In today's news continued...

So, I've realised my mistake - I looked for news on the BBC website when actually I should have been reading MSN's version of current affairs which is what I will do from now on.

Policeman faces 'church sex' claims

Apparently a German police officer has been suspended from duty after being caught having sex during a church service. Surprise surprise it was a Catholic church and yet the policeman wasn't actually an altar boy dressed up.

How do you punish someone for this sort of offence though? The copper faces 'possible' disciplinary action as well as a criminal complaint for disturbing religious activities. And yet isn't sex life-affirming and God-given?

Of course I'm making light of a very serious issue. It's just that if I were the Judge, I would go pretty light on the man knowing that what God has in store for him is probably going to pretty terrible. On his tombstone will be written "Lightning never strikes twice...until January 6th 2010 when it struck so many times that we didn't even need to cremate him".

'Fatties' kicked off dating website

This was a 'nothing' news story - sadly typical of MSN and yet amusing nonetheless. 5000 fatties were kicked off a dating website for eating too much over Christmas and losing their looks. They had also eaten their blind dates but that's beside the point.

This dating website - BeautifulPeople.com - kicked the 5000 off it's website because it has a very strict policy against ugly people.

Firstly, I blame Jesus. Not because he made people fat, but because he was responsible for feeding the 5000 and thus for their rejection from BeautifulPeople.com.

Secondly, this dating website must be pretty retarded if it doesn't realise that by disqualifying these fatties it is shooting itself in the foot seeing as good-looking people usually don't have trouble getting dates, it's the uggos that you need to take care of.

According to sources, the 5000 immediately joined the weight-watchers website which subsequently crashed.