In today's news...

Sex Asbo Woman Faces Sentence

       Or 'Sex Asbo Woman Faces Stiff Sentence' and 'Trial Of Sex Asbo Woman Reaches Climax'. The Daily Mail went with 'Noisy Immigrant Muslim Women Taking Up Jobs Linked to Princess Di's Death'; because some things never change.

       To be honest, this article doesn't really need ridiculing, it was just a funny news story. It went as follows:

"A woman who ignored an Asbo which banned her from having noisy sex is being sentenced for breaching it.

Caroline and Steve Cartwright's sex life was so loud, a woman taking her child to school complained, and it was claimed they drowned out nearby televisions. Neighbours and even the postman objected and the 48-year-old from Concord, Washington, Tyne and Wear, was first hit with a noise abatement notice, then an Asbo ordering her to quieten down in the bedroom".

       This scenario reminds me of the Friends episode where Monica makes sweets to be distributed to her neighbours and she is accosted by the older woman who has really noisy sex, as Joey and Chandler identify. But imagine being told to quieten down in the bedroom - how embarassing is that?

       Also, drowning out televisions is quite a hard task. Obviously, whoever was watching the TVs had them on mute so as to hear the action below. They only complained when they remembered what the neighbour looked like.


Jail For Shelf-Stacker Caught Licking A Chicken

       "Adeel Ayub was caught on camera in a branch of Asda at Fulwood near Preston in Lancashire. Footage showed him setting off a fire extinguisher, cutting up clothing, smashing eggs, slashing staff furniture, licking a raw chicken and urinating in a bin. Ayub's behaviour was filmed by a colleague on a mobile phone. Magistrates at Preston Town Court gave him the maximum sentence available. Ayub's solicitor Manny Anwar-Qureshi said: "I don't think the sentence is proportionate to the crime. He was very remorseful and has grown up a lot since the incidents.

      "He was stitched up by other people. I am very surprised at the sentence given the crimes were four years ago. The chances are he will probably lose his job. His family are shocked and upset." The footage showed Ayub committing the offences while he worked at the Asda supermarket between 2005 and 2008. The film was then left anonymously in a brown envelope at the front desk of a local newspaper, before being passed to Asda who contacted Preston Police. An Asda spokesman said: "Our colleagues were very upset about it at the time and we are pleased we can finally draw a line under it and put it behind us."

      Ayub, who now works at The Carphone Warehouse, had previously pleaded guilty to five charges of criminal damage".

        Is this what terrorism has resorted to? Gone are the days of suicide bombings of planes, trains and automobiles. The modern-day terrorists have come up with a new threat - suicide by salmonella poisoning. It's frightening stuff!! And obviously no-one has seen the new Carphone Warehouse advert where Ed Byrne has been replaced and it's just Mr. Ayub molesting Mowgli.

       Personally, it sounds like Mohammed and his colleague got the wrong idea for happy-slapping. Or could it just be that we are seeing here another victim of corporate policy? I've been to Asda, and it is quite clear that people don't just piss in the bins.

       According to other sources;

       "Ayub, of Spinney Brow, Ribbleton, admitted stamping on the chicken - but denied that he had licked it. Manny Anwar-Qureshi, his solicitor, said: "It was intended as a prank. There was no maliciousness intended and it should be noted that the public seems to be under the mistaken impression that Mr Ayub licked the chicken and then put it back for resale".

       No maliciousness in his actions? Mo was jailed by magistrates for 56 days. Some may think that a jail sentence for these actions is pretty tough - community service would be a tough sentence to give even. But seeing as it was a Middle-Eastern who committed these crimes, his actions have been viewed as attempted terrorism and he is lucky to get a sentence as short as 56 days, and not to be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

      Oh and licking a chicken then putting it back up for resale? A thing not unheard of in Asda. Their old slogan was 'Why Pay More?'. My answer - so that you don't get extra juice with your chicken.