In today's news...

Man offers his tongue to Gods

       Which narrows our choice of religions down to about two; Scientology and Hinduism.

       A childless Indian man sliced off his tongue as an offering to the god Shiva in the hope of becoming a father. He has been left with the vocal capability of Sylvester Stallone. Obviously he wasn't the brightest of Hindus othewise he might instead have tried praying to their god Brahma - the creator. Secondly, Doofus Patel (as I've christenend him) also didn't realise that cutting out his tongue isn't going to make him any luckier with the ladies. In fact quite the opposite...apart from looking hideous, he will be lacking what women would consider one of the more important muscles.

       Unfortunately, Mr. Patel was unable to comment on this news story.


Alcohol abuse 'costs every Scot £900 a year'

       "Alcohol misuse could be costing every adult in Scotland £900 every year, according to a new report.
      
       York University economists said the problem may be costing taxpayers between £2.4bn and £4.6bn.
      
       The Scottish government said the research strengthened its argument for minimum alcohol pricing.

       Ministers do not have enough support to get the plan through parliament, with opposition parties saying it could be illegal under European competition law."

       There are obvioulsy a few problems with this news article which highlight some of the more common problems with today's reporting.

1.The rest of the article was so boring I didn't bother reading on.
2. Notice how the headline is utter certainty (or a lie). The first paragraph then introduces an element of doubt in that it IS NOT in fact 'every Scot' whom it costs £900 as a result of alcohol abuse. The second paragraph then gets even more sceptical in that some insignificant economists somewhere stated that it "MAY BE costing taxpayers". Plus taxpayers cuts down the number of adults again and seeing as this is Scotland we are talking about, and they hate the English, it SIGNIFICANTLY decreases the number of people whom alcohol abuse effects. Finally, the last paragraph shows that the article itself was a nothing-story because MP's tried to impose minimum alcohol pricing but were strongly opposed, mainly by Scottish political parties.
       Therefore we have established that only a few Scots are effected by alcohol abuse, that it doesn't in fact cost them each £900 a year and that something almost happened but in the end it didn't. I've got to applaud the BBC, it's thrilling stuff.
3. The Scots themselves don't see it as 'alcohol abuse'; to them a £900 drinking binge is in fact just a good night out.