A Day At The Races

       If someone asked me whether I wanted to have 'a little flutter on the gee-gees', I'd say "No thanks mate, I'm strictly hetero" and immediately head in the opposite direction. And yet so many masculine men acquire this 'lingo' from the past-time of equine gambling.

       The attraction of this 'sport' has always been a mystery to me. I won't even pretend to be an expert on it, although some of my friends are. To the untrained eye, a bunch of horses sprint around a race-track, each with the aim of being first over the finishing line. No matter what the race, the one with the embarassing pink colours always wins (a wee tip for you there!).

       The horses are ridden by men known as 'jockeys'. It is in their best interest to keep the horse-racing industry alive. If it were to fail, there would simply not be enough circuses and performances of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' to support their livelihood.

       Race-horses themselves have a terrible existence apparently. If you want evidence of this, watch 'Black Beauty'.

       Actually, don't watch 'Black Beauty', it's a shockingly bad film with about as much appeal to today's generation as a long lecture on 'The Dangers of Unprotected Sex'. Instead, I will try and relate it to you with an example. Imagine super-models. You might see them as having an idyllic lifestyle, but they don't. They are starved and made to throw-up until they resort to cocaine and eventually overdose and die. In this way they are 'maintained'. And it is the same for horses! They are fed very strictly, they too are beaten and also pumped so full of drugs that sometimes they just drop dead. Amy Winehouse is an example of both worlds gone desperately wrong.

       Which pretty much brings me to the end of my meagre knowledge of horse-racing. Now I would like to make some observations on and around the subject.

       In 'Back to the Future 2', Doc and Marty travel to the future and Marty gets his hands on a racing Almanac from they year they originally came from. Inside, it details all the racing results of that year. Doc is horrified that Marty would think to bring it back with him and stops him from doing so.

       That was the wrong decision. Instead, here is what I would have done. Firstly, get rid of Doc. The guy is like 93, extremely annoying and gets Marty into all sorts of unnecessary trouble. In short, he is the perfect candidate for some certain Swedish clinics. Dispose of his body in the future you are in and 'hey-presto', you're free to do what you want.

      Next, travel back to the year you originally came from. Kill the writers of the 'Back to the Future' franchise so that absolutely nobody will be able to figure out what you're up to! Then withdraw all your savings and bet them on a horse-race. Continue to gamble on all kinds of events until you're so rich that you could enter Stephen Hawkins into a Demolition Derby in just his wheelchair and nobody would stop you. You have the Almanac so you can never lose but you probably should a few times so people can't get too suspicious.

      Finally, when the Almanac is out of date, and you are one of the richest people in the world, invest your money. However, one of the key issues on your mind is that by now you're probably addicted to winning and yet you now only have the same chance of doing so as all the other common people. Therefore, one of your major investments should be in finding a solution to this problem. I would therefore suggest that you buy Amy Winehouse and spend as much as it takes to turn her into a top-class, unbeatable race-horse. Then you can continue to gamble on the race-track without fear of losing whilst making tonnes of money.

      Eventually, when the odds against your horse are insurmountable, bet everything against her and during the race, trigger the long overdue heroin overdose and collect your winnings.

      To link this article back to its subject, the above plan is one of only a few ways in which I can ever see horse-racing being useful to mankind or one of its members.