In today's news...

Stronger toilet for obese patients

       Yes, that's right. An extra-strong toilet which can cope with morbidly obese patients weighing up to 70 stones has been introduced at a hospital. This reinforced steel toilet is reportedly still in the prototype stage with manufacturer Armitage Shanks and has now been installed on a new 23-bay ward at Lincoln County Hospital. Lincolnshire Hospitals NHS Trust said it had bought an extra-wide bed for the £2.8 million ward. The bed can also cope with a patient weighing 70 stones and comes complete with hoists and pulleys.
      
       Sorry, but I didn't realise that hospitals were now catering to ELEPHANTS!!! Has the NHS run out of ordinary humans to kill and is now inducting animals into its sick bays? Perhaps that is how they make up the numbers to claim for their Government funding.

       Seriously though, what human weighs 70 stone? That is 980 pounds. I mean it is nice to know that Lincolnshire hospital can now exclusively cater to Dawn French. However, that sort of weight is mind-boggling. Do people that obese even use the toilet (therefore making it necessary to install these new ones which are made of the same material that bridge builers use). I would have thought that these patients would simply wear nappies, probably made from upside down family-sized tents with the bottom cut out and an extra doorway inserted. The added bonus is these would be water-proof...

        If you're weighing in at around 70 stone, you're not going to get up to use the toilet. No, that requires too much effort. Instead you're going to be like Mr. Creosote and just projectile vomit into a bucket. And imagine one of these people actually sitting on a normal human toilet? The effect would be something like what happens in 'Home Alone 3' - the toilet vanishes into the floor and the plumbing bursts everywhere.

       Hospitals shouldn't be treating people that heavy. Instead they should be sending them to Africa to feed the starving. And the re-inforced toilets? Why, give them to Chuck Norris of course...