A case of life, death and fecal matter.

Here are a nice selection of news stories that contain a mixture of all of the above.

Woman died after doctors failed to spot toilet brush in her buttocks

      Well this was just a hilarious news story. I mean it's intrensically sad that a good toilet brush was wasted in such a manner but what a way to go!!
       Cindy Corton, 35, died after a toilet brush got lodged in her arse. But wait, there's more! Not only did the doctor fail to spot a 1 foot white handled bristly instrument stuck up the woman's bottom, but this was a mistake repeated by other doctors over a 2 year period. The mind boggles! The poor woman then had to convince doctors of her peculiar malady (which was the result of a 'drunken incident') and get them to do an exploratory surgery. Doctor's were left red-cheeked when scans showed the mysterious cause of her ill health. Unfortunately, the woman died during the operation to remove the offending toilet cleaner...presumably from irresistible waves of pleasure.
       Many questions spring to mind concerning this story:

1. How did she shit?
2. Did she then need to use toilet roll?
3. Did it tickle?
4. Why on earth was the woman called 'Cindy'?

       What's sad is that there was no way that the news source was treating this as a serious story; you can tell by the title that this woman's demise was just one big joke. How did her husband feel? He simply remarked that "Cindy got a very poor service from the NHS. I'm sure she would have got better treatment in foreign countries".
        I'm certainly saddened by the prospect of the NHS providing poor service. In terms of getting better healthcare in a different country, I would have advised Peter (the husband) that he possibly have taken his wife to France to deal with their 'situation'. In terms of removing things from one's arse, there is no-one better or more experienced than a Frenchman.

Elvis Presley 'killed by chronic constipation', claims doctor


       Elvis Presley was killed by chronic constipation, his personal doctor has revealed.
       Well No Shit!! Literally. Doesn't everyone know that Elvis died on the crapper? That's what I heard...about 10 years ago. And now this doctor has the cheek to go and suggest that it is breaking news that his death was a result of his inability to defecate.
        Of course, this is really just all utter nonsense; Elvis didn't die. He simply got bored with this planet and moved to Mars with his alien buddies. What's worrying is that he left this legacy of rigor mortis brought on by colon trouble. Not the most glorious of ways to go out. No doubt he will be back in time to correct this flaw in history.
        For a detailed and accurate account of Elvis' whereabouts and current lifestyle, see Douglas Adams 'A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'.

Great-grandmother wins poo fine battle

       In case you missed this reality TV series, it was shit. Here is what happened.

       Officials had accused Pam Robson of failing to clear up after her dog - and fined her £50. Two environmental enforcement officers spotted the married former women's refuge volunteer worker cleaning up after her Labrador Derik as she took him for a walk. They insisted she had cleared up a different dog's mess and issued her with a fixed penalty notice for a dog fouling offence. Mrs Robson refused to pay and was told she faced a court summons, criminal record and a potential fine of £1,000. But council bosses had a change of heart after Mrs Robson saw a solicitor and spoke to her MP, and have said she will not be pursued for payment of the ticket. Problems started for the 60-year-old when she was walking the four-year-old rescue dog on an open field near St Michael's Church, Houghton-le-Spring, County Durham, in January.
       She said: ''It was a snowy day and I'd stopped to speak to my daughter on the mobile telephone as Derik ran off to do his business. 'As I followed after him to pick it up I saw a van stop by the side of the road and two men get out, one wearing a city council jerkin. They crossed the field to me and I thought they were going to ask for directions. Then one asked whether I realised my dog had just done its business and I said yes and showed him where I'd picked it up in a bag. He said it was the wrong mess and that he was going to issue me with a fine for £50. I was annoyed and upset. I picked up the other mess too and put it in the bag but he said I'd still be fined.''
       When Mrs Robson asked the environmental enforcement officer his name he refused to answer, identifying himself only as ''David 13''. She thought that would be an end to the matter, but later received a £50 fixed penalty notice threatening court action and a criminal record if she did not pay. ''I rang the council hoping common sense would prevail but was told they were quite satisfied I'd done wrong,'' the great grandmother, who is a grandmother-of-three and mother-of-three said. ''They told me I could pay in instalments but I said no way".

      This is just ridiculous!!! I scarcely have to ridicule the absurdity...but I will. Firstly, who calls their dog Derik? Forget calling the fucking council in, how about the RSPCA? More importantly, however, is the issue of just how pathetic the council is!
       On a side note, the article was obviously written in favour of the senile delinquent because it continually mentions her status as a family woman. It also shows that she was old and therefore it should be expected that she should make mistakes. When her dog took a dump, she picked it up like any noble citizen. Who CARES if she picked up the wrong dog shit? At least she picked something up.
       Yet it is the Gestapo that the council employ who are really to be scorned here. Who the fuck drives around in a van terrorising old women? Terrorising old women whose dogs take a crap? The old lady was obviously so frightened by them that she actually picked up the other dog shit as well and probably would have gone on to clear the whole snow-laden field if the shreds of her dignity hadn't prevented her. If you do argue that she should have received the fine for not maintaining her pet then you would at least say that no fine should have been given because she immediately cleared up the other dog mess just in case. And yet she stood to lose £1000 and a court summons by (rightly) refusing to pay the unjust £50 fine.
       Let me break it down for you. The dog goes to the toilet. The woman cleans it up. How the hell do two guys driving around in a van (presumably with the defiled remains of several women in the back) spot that the lady has picked up the wrong dog shit (if that was the case)??? That's a joke. The fact that they were then so unmerciful is even more damning. One must avoid exaggerating in such cases, but those men were definitely worse than Hitler.
       They were also desperately sad! That obviously goes without saying seeing as they were council employees but WHO, when asked their name, replies 'David 13'? What?? Where did that come from? If you're going to make up a name then at least be creative; I would suggest 'Holden McGroyne', 'Phil McCracken-Licket', 'Arthur Dick' or 'Nick Clegg'. No-one would be any the wiser as to who you are.
       What I love is that the council offered her the chance to pay the £50 in installments! Thankfully, our heroic senior refused, opting instead to go for the big payout.

World's oldest person dies aged 114

       There was nothing funny about this article. I was just quite impressed.

Wheelie bin man 'blocked mother'

       An innocent title you might say. Something to do with facebook or MSN etc. You could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not succeed.

       A chef who killed his wife and hid her corpse for three years in a freezer repeatedly urged his mother-in-law not to ask to see her body, the Old Bailey has heard. Peter Wallner killed his wife Melanie with a cast-iron pan and kept her body in a freezer in the garden shed before moving her to a wheelie bin outside their house in Surrey last year. In a statement read to the court, Jeanne Oosthuizen, Melanie's mother, said Wallner called her in South Africa from the UK in August 2006 to break the news of her 30-year-old daughter's death. Ms Oosthuizen said Wallner claimed his wife had collapsed in the night and died en route to hospital. She said he told her not to visit the coroner to view the body as her face was "black and bruised" and "to try to remember her the way she was".

       I'm not seeing the problem as of yet. The article's title is certainly misleading. It does not concern a bin-man, but instead a chef. The exact person who would want to stay away from bins for fear of germs and contamination. And 'blocks mother'? Surely the much more pressing issue that the article should be covering is the brutal murder of a woman by her spouse.
       Not that this article reveals that. Instead, I was quite enamoured by the sensitivity and thoughtfulness of Chef Wallner. On the unfortunate passing of his wife, he called her mother to inform her of what had happened and then deliberately saved her from trauma by discouraging that she see her daughter's dead body but instead recall her by her fond memories. Awwwwwww. Wallner also killed a South-African and did so at minimal cost to the government by using his own tools of the trade and not wasting any expense on bringing about the murder. The man is in fact a hero.
        I can understand the freezer part, but the wheelie-bin? What the fuck did he think was gonna happen? The least he would have gotten away with was a fine for not using the proper bags for food waste in the disposing of her body.
       On a personal note, if I were to kill someone I would prefer to be a butcher - you could get away with the perfect crime! Knives and other implements are readily on hand (or frying pans), supplying the meat to hungry customers would be no problem (the meat we buy in the butcher's is pretty much indiscernible from the body part it used to comprise) and the bones could be ground up for mince or chopped up for dogs. Done. Don't get on a butcher's bad side.

Leprechaun-garbed holdup suspect among 2 shot dead

        If you laughed at the headline, don't worry, you're supposed to.

       Two bank robbery suspects, including one dressed in a green leprechaun costume, were shot dead after a St. Patrick's Day chase and shootout with police in Tennessee, authorities said.

       The luck of the Irish huh? I could go more in depth into the news story but I'm not going to as I really want to finish this entry.
       Who the fuck wears a leprechaun costume to a bank robbery? It's not like it was a fancy dress robbery. Whilst it may have been St. Patrick's Day (thus the get-up would be excusable in the circumstances), the only remaining explanation is that the robber was in fact a leprechaun. Which means that Tennessee law enforcement KILLED A LEPRECHAUN! The repercussions are going to be huge, both in Ireland and the fairytale underground. America better fucking watch it.
        The article concluded with this:

       Storment said police are still trying to identify the two men. The officers involved in the shooting are on administrative duty while the investigation continues.

       The case was reminiscent of the Dec. 22 robbery in Nashville when a man dressed in a Santa suit — including hat, beard and mustache — held up a SunTrust Bank, demanding money from the teller at gunpoint. No arrests have been made in that case.

        Isn't that brilliant? The police didn't think (as part of their uncovering the identity of the felon) to take off the false brown beard and wig. It also now appears that there is some truth to the fact that Santa doesn't exist...anymore.

Chinese boy, 6, saved from dropping to death by his ears!

       Well let's finish on a positive note. Normally one doesn't say that and then talk about China. Yet in this case, even the exclamation mark in the headline is heartwarming.

       A six-year-old Chinese boy was saved from dropping eight storeys by his ears, which prevented his head from completely sliding between window bars outside his home.


Well, that's a lucky escape. For the boy that is, not for the rest of the world. Still, the war against China continues...secretly.

So what's new?

Well hello there!!
That is incidentally one of the greetings I hate most...it's up there along with 'Howdy', 'Hello, I'm James Blunt' and anything German.

So what's new? It has been ages since I've been on but don't fret, I have ben perusing the news and filing away stories to put on here. Apart from that, I have just finished my exams and in order to celebrate, I've started drinking in the mornings to really give the day that kickstart it needs. In less then a week I'm off to see my beloved God-daughter and her family in New Zealand which I can't wait for! I'll be back in the movie reviewing business soon (there are lots of great films coming up) and hopefully also starting a Movie Review blog with a friend where we will discuss movies, actors and the anti-Christ that is Sarah Jessica Parker. My blogging should be frequent due to the time I will have in the summer holidays, so sit back, relax and prepare to be astounded at just how shit the media can get.

Man aged 33 is refused a bottle of wine in Tesco... because he had no ID


       In any other situation, Jason Wilde might have been flattered to be thought of as a decade younger. But when the 33-year-old was refused a bottle of rose wine at a Tesco near where he lives he felt humiliated and angry. An overzealous staff member refused to serve him when he was unable to prove his age because he did not have identification.
      Jason Wilde, 33, was refused a bottle of wine at Tesco because he was unable to prove his age. His 29-year-old fiancee, Lorraine Thomas, was not allowed to buy it either on the grounds that she may have been purchasing alcohol for a minor. And although his 29-year-old fiancee, Lorraine Thomas, stepped in with her driving licence, the supermarket refused to budge as she might be buying alcohol for a minor. 
       He ended up leaving the Bar Hill store in Cambridgeshire - which he has visited nearly every week for the past five years - with everything in his trolley except for the wine. 'When you're buying £140 worth of shopping, you're hardly likely to be underage,' said Mr Wilde, a sales manager from nearby Fenstanton. 'It wasn't like we were trying to buy six cans of dodgy cider. I am 15 years over the legal age. Things have got ridiculous.'
      
       How ironic life can be. A couple of months ago, Matthew, his wife and Sheena all went to Tescos together to do our first big shop for our new house. There happened to be special offers on booze that day so we purchased a good £100 worth of the proverbial liquor and headed to the check-out. Unfortunately, we happened to choose the one counter that was more than amptly filled by a bloated behemoth with bad skin and a real grudge against anyone skinnier than her (which is saying something if I was skinnier but I think it was Sheena's petiteness that was the last straw that broke the camel toe's back). Matthew and Sheena put most of our food through first whilst I held back some of my own stuff (including my Malibu) to purchase seperately. That was fine.
       THEN, the wonderful cashier (who we shall call Gertrude) asked for ID (which is fair enough due to the 'Looking Under 25 Rule') and Mattthew (who was paying) provided his. I then showed her mine to go with the alcohol I was buying. At this point, Gertrude turned to Sheena, who was standing innocently some distance away, kicking her heels and with her mind probably on the fun she would have with our dog Pepper when she got home. "What about her?", she bitched in a voice that did Jabba The Hutt justice. Sheena did not have ID and on ascertaining this, a cruel smile slowly spread over Gertrude's jowls before she pronounced that she would not be able to let them purchase their alcohol. Momentarily stunned by the tyranny that had just been unmasked in Tescos, Matthew and I both gasped "Why??". We were told exactly the same reasons as were given to Jason in the above article. Matthew was infuriated that because Sheena (who is 24 - a full 6 years over the required drinking age limit and fled her home nation of America to seek refuge from exactly this sort of discrimination on the age of purchasing drink) was with him and did not have ID, he could not buy any of the alcohol.
       At this point, I stepped in. In the meantime Matthew had told Sheena to go to the car, but was still told that he would not be able to buy the spirits. I said to Gertrude that I was a friend of the couple and had bumped into them at the store. I had my own alcohol and took Matthew and Sheena's with the intention of purchasing it myself. Alas, it was not to be. I was then refused my legal right to buy booze with ID because there was a very real danger that I would just sell it or provide it to underage drinkers (such as Sheena). Matthew asked to see Gertrude's superior at which point some gremlin (we'll call him Neil) popped up at the till. Neil was about 12 and had a face so pockmarked that in comparison, he made it look like the moon used moisturiser. On hearing the situation, Neil then repeated the exact same Tesco's manifesto. Matthew asked to speak to his superior but was then informed that there was no-one at this superstore.
       We left in disgust. Just to show how disgusted we were, we took our groceries. Most angry customers would have neglected purchasing their goods at Tesco and just gone somewhere else to teach the corporate giant a lesson, but that was just inconvenient. I have to say I sympathise totally with Jason and think that the attitude employed by Tesco is utterly fucking ridiculous. Everything in the above article is, for once, a true reflection of real life. Savour it whilst it lasts, who knows when the next decent news story will occur. I only wish we could have gone to the papers.

In Todays News...

        Sorry I've been away everyone...I know how you've missed me. I've been filling my time with moving houses, cooking and having people look up my ass. Not everyone made it out. But now I'll be trying to be regular again in my posting. I hope you enjoy.



Extra Strength Marmite Unveiled

        An extra-strong version of Marmite has recently gone on sale. The only difference to the original is that now people will either love it or really hate it.

Plane Passenger Eats Scratch Card

        Now this is a really sad story. An airline passenger braved the human rights injustice that you usually experience aboard Ryanair flights to get to Krakow. To try and brighten his flight of numbing inevitability, he purchased one of their extremely overpriced scratch cards. Against all odds, he won £8930. The God of Ryanair was not to be so easily beaten however. Worried that this would bankrupt his airline company, he put it in the minds of his gremlins to tell the passenger that he would not be able to claim his winnings immediately (due to the fact that about two more packets of peanuts would have to be sold on their flights to raise the money to actually award the money whilst simultaneously sueing the scratchcard company for actually providing them with a winning scratchcard).

       Faced with this inconvenience (typical of Ryanair) the passenger reacted as any reasonable person would and ate his scratchcard. Presumably he regretted this impulse decision on his walk to Krakow when the flight landed just a short distance from its said destination...in London, England.

Convict digs out of prison using a spoon

       The title is pretty self-explanatory. The convict (a 35 year old woman) is still on the run in Holland and in my opinion should be left alone and pardoned for her unspecified 'violent' crime. Anyone who can dig their way out of a prison with a spoon should be allowed to have their freedom free. The feat is equivalent to O.J Simpson being a comedy gem (The Naked Gun trilogy) and thus not being guilty for the alleged murder of his wife and her lover. Or Ben Affleck being Ben Affleck and thus not being charged for killing all those hookers.
      
Sex Education not 'watered down'

       The actual news title was "Sex Education not 'watered down', says Ed Balls.

       The article itself was very boring and talked about sex education in the UK and in faith schools, but the headline was priceless. The fact that the child secretary would be called Ed Balls...you can't make this stuff up.

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That's all for now folks. More soon.

What might have been...

      One thing I like to do in writing for comedy is to parody films (generally shit ones) and replace the actors with different people and warp the plot. They'll take the form of a review/summary. I'm now going to start putting these on my blog so that you will hopefully enjoy them. If you don't recognise names or the film parody etc etc then just google/wikipedia them and you will understand. Expect more to come.

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Giant Phelps vs. Mega Barrymore

       Whilst trying to disprove the scientific theory that feminism causes global warming, Emma MacNeil (Ellen Degeneres) accidentally destroys a major iceberg and almost dooms civilisation.
       She promptly flees. Unbeknownst to her, two of mankinds biggest water-dwelling threats (having been frozen whilst locked in combat) were encased by that very iceberg. Upon its destruction, they thaw out and once unfrozen, they head their seperate ways.
       Phelps heads towards the Japanese coast and not long after, the Japs are left humiliated without any gold medals. Devastating attacks upon their oil rigs follow. Naturally, the Japanese blame Godzilla.
       Meanwhile, MacNeil is fired from her American talkshow (because it is shit) and heads to England. Word reaches her that an old friend Stuart Lubbock, has been found dead at the bottom of a pool in suspicious circumstances. The alcohol and drugs found in his system clearly point to the deadly work of a Barrymore.
       Realising that her antics in Alaska might have brought about the attacks by the two mysterious aqua leviathons, MacNeil journeys to see her old friend Lamar Sanders (Shawn Wayans). At first, Sanders refuses to help her, claiming that he is sick of being in piss poor horror movies and also, since he is black, he will naturally be the first main character to be killed.
       Eventually Sanders realises that without being in shit movies, he would have no way to earn a living. He therefore agrees to help MacNeil. Being a comedian, Sanders is the closest thing to an expert on Barrymores' that MacNeil can find. The two journey to Japan where they meet Dr. Seiji Samada (Matt leBlanc) who believes that the attacks on Japanese oil rigs and their lack of gold medals are all the work of a Phelps. MacNeil and Sanders ask Samada for his help. Dr. Samada readily agrees, surmising that 'Friends' left him typecast and without any work. Desperate for a job and coming off the success of the 'Ichiban-Lipstick for men' adverts, he became a Japanese scientist.
       Sanders suggests that the only way to take care of the Phelps and Barrymore threats before they strike again is to lure them to an ice trench off the Alaskan Coast where they can have a 'Thrilla in Manilla' style showdown and the monsters can take care of each other. Meanwhile, MacNeil is turned by Samada's good looks and charm. The Japanese Doctor, on the other hand, is absolutely disgusted by the ugly old lesbian and insists that she stands at least ten feet away from him when they're in the same room.
       The day of the fight arrives and both the Barrymore and the Phelps are lured to the location. However, the Phelps does not take the bait at first and instinctively kills Sanders. Desperately trying to attract the Phelps, Samada feeds MacNeil to it, restoring some dignity to America. Enraged by the death of a fellow homosexual, the Barrymore attacks the Phelps. Locked together in a deathly embrace, the two monstrous leviathons sink to the ocean floor.
       Rid of the threat, Samada vows not to put his involvement in this film on his CV and retires back into obscurity.

It's mine, all mine.

      So just a little legal note, all the stuff I write on here is copyright to me!!! Just in case I write something good enough that someone will want to steal it.

Copyright of Michael Bradford, born 29/07/1990.

In Recent News...

       I had these articles put away a few weeks ago and have yet to peruse today's news.

Thief Had 75 Bottles Stuffed Down Trousers

       "A man has been caught shoplifting after he stuffed 75 bottles of body lotion in his trousers.Chamil Guadarrama could not escape from authorities in Massachusetts because he was hampered by trousers that were nearly bursting at the seams.Police in Springfield said the 30-year-old was charged with shoplifting from Bath & Body Works in Eastfield Mall."

       It amazes me how much being PC has messed up our society and culture. The obvious fact that they fail to mention in this article is that the thief was a black male. They basically say everything but that! They mention stealing. And the fact that he almost got away with 75 bottles stuffed down his trousers until they were bursting at the seams - well I don't want to make the stereotype of endowment any more explicit.

      Aside from that 'racism' it amazes me as to the stupidity of the shoplifter. Sure he could probably get away with a couple bottles stuffed down his trousers everytime he went shopping. That is what would occur to the average person of average intelligence. A few weeks later and he would have the amount he had previously aimed for! But 75 bottles??? Of body lotion??? That is a hell of a lot of masturbation, you'd more expect a teenager from Brixton to be guilty of this crime.

      Police confirmed that the shoplifter's methods had been anything but smooth.


World's 'second pregnant man' expecting baby boy next month

      Speaking of stupidity, here is a fresh batch of it.

      "Scott Moore and his partner, Thomas, were both born as girls and have undergone surgery and hormone treatments to transform their sex.Scott, who was born a girl called Jessica, first realised he wanted to be a man when he hit puberty aged 11."I was always a tomboy but when I started to develop breasts I realised I'd been born in the wrong body. When I told my family, they thought I was crazy, but they gradually realised I was serious and allowed me to start taking male hormones when I was 16 years old." His parents paid £4,600 for Scott to have his 36DDD chest removed. "I was very depressed and my parents realised it was the only thing that could help me," said Scott. "I opted not to have a penis because I couldn't afford it and I didn't think the results were very good - it had nothing to do with wanting children because back then I didn't think I'd ever have them." Scott and Thomas met in 2005 at a support group meeting for transgender men. Thomas began his transition aged 19, although he knew from the age of four that he wanted to be a man. Thomas, who used to be called Laura, legally changed his name in 1998. He started taking testosterone in 1999 and had his 44GG breasts removed at the UCSF medical centre in San Francisco in 2004. Later that year he had a hysterectomy and a penis made out flesh from his thigh."

       Again, this is why PC culture is ridiculous. For a start, it leads to 36DDD and 44GG chests being REMOVED which is an absolute travesty. It also leads to an obvious lie being believed that men can get pregnant.

       They can't. No. It doesn't and won't ever happen. Don't be silly. A man is defined by his chromosone's. He is also very much defined as a man by the presence of his penis. You either get a penis OR a vagina (hermaphrodites can fuck off). If you have your penis or vagina removed, that doesn't stop making you a man or woman. It just means that you're completely fucked up and should probably rethink your life.

       Furthermore, this article completely disproves that men can give birth, whilst reporting on it! It states that Scott and Thomas were born female before they wished to change gender. That is IT! The be all and end all of the argument. They were born female and are stuck as that - nothing can change it. If Thomas was that messed up as to get a 'penis' crafted from his own ample thigh and attached to him, that doesn't make him a man. He remains a woman and thus is still capable of giving birth. So when they do get pregnant, it is in fact an abnormal woman naturally giving birth. Not a man blowing his cock off.

        It just frustrates me that this stuff is called news and ground-breaking scientific discovery when in fact it is just bullshit. I don't have anything against Jessica and Laura. I'm sure they are two very loving people who will bring up there kids in a loving home which otherwise they might have lacked.

       I wish Monty Python had covered this in 'The Meaning of Life'. A small seperate section entitled 'The Miracle of Birth: Until humans messed around with it.'


Martin Amis criticises Nobel writer JM Coetzee for 'having no talent'

       "Martin Amis, the novelist known for his outspoken comments, has dismissed the Nobel Prize-winning author JM Coetzee as "having no talent".

       Just to cover this firstly. Since when did Nobel Prize winners have talent?? It's all bullshit. Why did Obama win a Nobel Prize? For being black and becoming President of America? That isn't a talent (although it was certainly a hard feat). Hardly anyone who wins them has real talent. I think they should only be awarded to people who really make a big difference in the world like Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Nick Griffin and Martin Luther King Jnr. Or scientists such as Einstein who made ground-breaking discoveries. By that I mean new medicines that cure diseases or inventions that make life easier - NOT theories such as evolution. The article goes on about a different point however.

        "After calling for the introduction of euthanasia booths for the elderly last week, he has now turned on his fellow writers, criticising the assumption that "gloomy" books are somehow more serious. Last week Amis compared Britain's growing elderly population as "an invasion of terrible immigrants", as he called for ‘death booths’ to be placed on street corners so they could kill themselves. In an interview with The Sunday Times, Amis said: "How is society going to support this silver tsunami? There'll be a population of demented very old people, like an invasion of terrible immigrants stinking out the restaurants and cafés and shops." "I can imagine a sort of civil war between the old and the young in 10 or 15 years' time."

       After laughing for a very long time upon reading this, and personally agreeing with many of his ideas, I had to admit that Martin Amis certainly thinks outside the box.

        Let's start with the euthanasia booths. What Amis is calling for is basically a repeat Third-Reich purge but of the elderly (not the Jews). This is just ridiculous. It's not like there is any threat of his ideas coming to realisation, but sometimes you have to mock the crap that people come out with. However, as John Lennon said not long before his assassination, "Imagine".

       Eastern European tourists and Mexicans would wander into these euthanasia boxes, mistaking them for photo booths. Whilst this would go someway into solving the problem of immigration and would no doubt be supported by the BNP, the danger is there that many innocent people who certainly are not old would accidentally end their lives in this manner. So apart from euthanasia booths being beyond ridiculous, we have established that they could present a very possible menace to the non-geriatric population so we will abandon that idea.

      I have got to say though that Amis is certainly growing on me, just like an unwanted fnugal infection. Similar to Nick Griffin. Certainly, both men should be campaigning side by side for the BNP/NSDAP. The phrase 'silver tsunami' is sublime and his comparison to the demented OAPs as "terrible immigrants stinking out the restaurants and cafés and shops" is brilliant. Because that is exactly what they do (old people, not so much the immigrants).

       Amis is so right-wing that anything he comes out with is laughable, just like Griffin. He is also immensely stupid. He states that in 10-15 years there is the growing possiblity of civil war between the young and the old. For starters, the thought of that is immensely entertaining and there would be absolutely no contest in that war. More importantly though is the fact that Amis himself will be 70-75 in 10-15 years time, thus classing him as one of the elderly that heso readily despises. I'm sure by that time, if not now, there will be no end of people waiting to insert him into one of his euthanasia booths.


Pheasant Terrorises North Yorkshire Village

      On a lighter note, this was also in the news.

       "Residents of Newsham, near Richmond in Yorkshire, are being attacked in the street repeatedly by a pheasant.The belligerent bird has targeted men, women, prams, bikes, dogs and cars.It also lies in wait for children to get off their school bus, then pursues them on to the village green. Sonia Hall was attacked by the creature while out for a walk with her two-and-a-half-year-old grandson Jacob. The Daily Telegraph reports her son Charles Hall, 34, who runs the A66 Hotel near the village, as saying: "[Sonia] was really shaken up by it. She was out walking when the pheasant went for her and started pecking her legs." She tried to beat it off with her handbag but from what she said it is quite vicious. The local postman had to save her from it by kicking it."

       "People think it is getting its revenge on people from some of its family being shot. We had no reported sightings on Wednesday so maybe it's had its comeuppance." Mrs Hall's partner, Robin Leonard, added: "The pheasant's attack left her with a scar on her leg. She was hitting it with her bag but it wouldn't give up.
The postman was passing by and saw the attack so ran over to help. The postman is scared to come into the village now in case the pheasant attacks him." Bob De'Ath, chairman of Newsham Parish Council, said: "Although it seems humorous, there is a serious concern that this pheasant could injure young children if it goes for their face. You can push it away, but it continues going for you. It is terrorising the whole village. We are now starting to get official complaints about it, so I have written to the RSPCA and the RSPB to ask for advice on the matter." Lyndsey Waddell, chairman of the National Gamekeepers Organisation, explained: "You get a similar thing in a variety of other birds as spring approaches and the breeding season begins. All the bird is doing is protecting what it considers to be its territory." He suggested the best way to deal with the creature would be to capture it humanely and release it back into the countryside far from the village.

      Well I will be honest, this news story couldn't have come at a better time because I have just finished writing a script for a new horror movie called 'The Bird'. Basically it is to be an UK based version of Hitchcock's classic.

       I mean, it's articles like this that prove life is worth living. You hardly need me to comment on it to laugh out loud. I will make a point of just how retarded these country bumpkins are. Their solution to capture it humanely and release it back into the countryside is beyond stupid. Just shoot the fucking bird, they're quite tasty. And sorry, but have you seen the size difference between a human and a pheasant? The equivalent of this 'problem' would be a naked unarmed human attacking a T-Rex or some other dinosaur of similar dimensions. NOT a problem (for the dinosaur).

       And the revenge theory? I'm pretty sure that pheasants don't have the mental capacity for that. And if the villager's shot the partner, then shoot it's mate as well. This is so ridiculous. It's not as if this is a were-pheasant or something.

       It's villages such as these that make such complaints that deserve to be inflicted with the curse of a werewolf. Imagine if this village was. "The postman tried kicking the belligerent beast away but was impeded in continuing in doing so by the fact that it promptly tore him in half. His associates were too scared to continue delivering mail to the village. Mrs Hall's partner, Robin Leonard, added "The beast's attack left her without a leg and her left breast. She is thus finding it tremendously difficult to feed our 1 year old Jamie." There have been no reported sightings recently, but with the full moon approaching, it is only a matter of time before carnage and terror will be wreaked again."

       Pheasant or werewolf? I would choose pheasant. Country or city? I would choose city. At least there, people are a different kind of stupid.

Wishlist!!!

      So I've not done any blogs since January and this has recently been brought to my attention several times. Therefore, I have come to make the somewhat hard decision that is that my blog is going to change. I'm going to write more stuff about me and not just stick to the satire parody stuff which I usually do.

       I have realised that I am always buying people presents but never get anything in return. I'm not being vindictive, instead I feel that this is probably slightly down to the fact that people don't know what I want. Anyway, here is my current gift wishlist. I know that there is a blog application for this kind of shit but I couldn't be bothered to do it.

Wishlist:

All the seasons of 30 Rock


Xbox 360 and controls

COD Modern Warfare 2

Xbox live account

Cocktail mixer

Ice/Food blender

Scrubs season 8

Lord of the Rings Trilogy extended editions boxsets
Family Guy Seasons 1-8 and the 3 movies

*************************************************************************

That's all for now. I'm sure I will think of more stuff soon. If anyone ever considers getting me this stuff, speak to me first so you get it right.

In today's news...

Sex Asbo Woman Faces Sentence

       Or 'Sex Asbo Woman Faces Stiff Sentence' and 'Trial Of Sex Asbo Woman Reaches Climax'. The Daily Mail went with 'Noisy Immigrant Muslim Women Taking Up Jobs Linked to Princess Di's Death'; because some things never change.

       To be honest, this article doesn't really need ridiculing, it was just a funny news story. It went as follows:

"A woman who ignored an Asbo which banned her from having noisy sex is being sentenced for breaching it.

Caroline and Steve Cartwright's sex life was so loud, a woman taking her child to school complained, and it was claimed they drowned out nearby televisions. Neighbours and even the postman objected and the 48-year-old from Concord, Washington, Tyne and Wear, was first hit with a noise abatement notice, then an Asbo ordering her to quieten down in the bedroom".

       This scenario reminds me of the Friends episode where Monica makes sweets to be distributed to her neighbours and she is accosted by the older woman who has really noisy sex, as Joey and Chandler identify. But imagine being told to quieten down in the bedroom - how embarassing is that?

       Also, drowning out televisions is quite a hard task. Obviously, whoever was watching the TVs had them on mute so as to hear the action below. They only complained when they remembered what the neighbour looked like.


Jail For Shelf-Stacker Caught Licking A Chicken

       "Adeel Ayub was caught on camera in a branch of Asda at Fulwood near Preston in Lancashire. Footage showed him setting off a fire extinguisher, cutting up clothing, smashing eggs, slashing staff furniture, licking a raw chicken and urinating in a bin. Ayub's behaviour was filmed by a colleague on a mobile phone. Magistrates at Preston Town Court gave him the maximum sentence available. Ayub's solicitor Manny Anwar-Qureshi said: "I don't think the sentence is proportionate to the crime. He was very remorseful and has grown up a lot since the incidents.

      "He was stitched up by other people. I am very surprised at the sentence given the crimes were four years ago. The chances are he will probably lose his job. His family are shocked and upset." The footage showed Ayub committing the offences while he worked at the Asda supermarket between 2005 and 2008. The film was then left anonymously in a brown envelope at the front desk of a local newspaper, before being passed to Asda who contacted Preston Police. An Asda spokesman said: "Our colleagues were very upset about it at the time and we are pleased we can finally draw a line under it and put it behind us."

      Ayub, who now works at The Carphone Warehouse, had previously pleaded guilty to five charges of criminal damage".

        Is this what terrorism has resorted to? Gone are the days of suicide bombings of planes, trains and automobiles. The modern-day terrorists have come up with a new threat - suicide by salmonella poisoning. It's frightening stuff!! And obviously no-one has seen the new Carphone Warehouse advert where Ed Byrne has been replaced and it's just Mr. Ayub molesting Mowgli.

       Personally, it sounds like Mohammed and his colleague got the wrong idea for happy-slapping. Or could it just be that we are seeing here another victim of corporate policy? I've been to Asda, and it is quite clear that people don't just piss in the bins.

       According to other sources;

       "Ayub, of Spinney Brow, Ribbleton, admitted stamping on the chicken - but denied that he had licked it. Manny Anwar-Qureshi, his solicitor, said: "It was intended as a prank. There was no maliciousness intended and it should be noted that the public seems to be under the mistaken impression that Mr Ayub licked the chicken and then put it back for resale".

       No maliciousness in his actions? Mo was jailed by magistrates for 56 days. Some may think that a jail sentence for these actions is pretty tough - community service would be a tough sentence to give even. But seeing as it was a Middle-Eastern who committed these crimes, his actions have been viewed as attempted terrorism and he is lucky to get a sentence as short as 56 days, and not to be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

      Oh and licking a chicken then putting it back up for resale? A thing not unheard of in Asda. Their old slogan was 'Why Pay More?'. My answer - so that you don't get extra juice with your chicken.

A Day At The Races

       If someone asked me whether I wanted to have 'a little flutter on the gee-gees', I'd say "No thanks mate, I'm strictly hetero" and immediately head in the opposite direction. And yet so many masculine men acquire this 'lingo' from the past-time of equine gambling.

       The attraction of this 'sport' has always been a mystery to me. I won't even pretend to be an expert on it, although some of my friends are. To the untrained eye, a bunch of horses sprint around a race-track, each with the aim of being first over the finishing line. No matter what the race, the one with the embarassing pink colours always wins (a wee tip for you there!).

       The horses are ridden by men known as 'jockeys'. It is in their best interest to keep the horse-racing industry alive. If it were to fail, there would simply not be enough circuses and performances of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' to support their livelihood.

       Race-horses themselves have a terrible existence apparently. If you want evidence of this, watch 'Black Beauty'.

       Actually, don't watch 'Black Beauty', it's a shockingly bad film with about as much appeal to today's generation as a long lecture on 'The Dangers of Unprotected Sex'. Instead, I will try and relate it to you with an example. Imagine super-models. You might see them as having an idyllic lifestyle, but they don't. They are starved and made to throw-up until they resort to cocaine and eventually overdose and die. In this way they are 'maintained'. And it is the same for horses! They are fed very strictly, they too are beaten and also pumped so full of drugs that sometimes they just drop dead. Amy Winehouse is an example of both worlds gone desperately wrong.

       Which pretty much brings me to the end of my meagre knowledge of horse-racing. Now I would like to make some observations on and around the subject.

       In 'Back to the Future 2', Doc and Marty travel to the future and Marty gets his hands on a racing Almanac from they year they originally came from. Inside, it details all the racing results of that year. Doc is horrified that Marty would think to bring it back with him and stops him from doing so.

       That was the wrong decision. Instead, here is what I would have done. Firstly, get rid of Doc. The guy is like 93, extremely annoying and gets Marty into all sorts of unnecessary trouble. In short, he is the perfect candidate for some certain Swedish clinics. Dispose of his body in the future you are in and 'hey-presto', you're free to do what you want.

      Next, travel back to the year you originally came from. Kill the writers of the 'Back to the Future' franchise so that absolutely nobody will be able to figure out what you're up to! Then withdraw all your savings and bet them on a horse-race. Continue to gamble on all kinds of events until you're so rich that you could enter Stephen Hawkins into a Demolition Derby in just his wheelchair and nobody would stop you. You have the Almanac so you can never lose but you probably should a few times so people can't get too suspicious.

      Finally, when the Almanac is out of date, and you are one of the richest people in the world, invest your money. However, one of the key issues on your mind is that by now you're probably addicted to winning and yet you now only have the same chance of doing so as all the other common people. Therefore, one of your major investments should be in finding a solution to this problem. I would therefore suggest that you buy Amy Winehouse and spend as much as it takes to turn her into a top-class, unbeatable race-horse. Then you can continue to gamble on the race-track without fear of losing whilst making tonnes of money.

      Eventually, when the odds against your horse are insurmountable, bet everything against her and during the race, trigger the long overdue heroin overdose and collect your winnings.

      To link this article back to its subject, the above plan is one of only a few ways in which I can ever see horse-racing being useful to mankind or one of its members.

    

Dr. Who? Dr. King.

       Monday the 18th of January this year saw the Americans hold their annual Martin Luther-King Jnr. Day celebrations by taking a day off work because some guy got whacked 42 years ago.
      
       Well that got your attention!! And before some of you pick up bottles or Fried Chicken or Taffy to beat me with, let me re-assure you that I am not going to make fun of Martin Luther-King!!! He did amazing work in campaigning for equal rights in America and against deeply ingrained social racism. Hopefully that covers my ass. I would go on about his greatness but all the newspaper articles have done that and that isn't the purpose of this blog.

       No, I am going to reveal the truth about Luther-King and certain other black icons of America. They are all one and the same person. Are you shocked? Is your conspiratorial mind intrigued yet? Read on for the facts.

       Let's start with Luther-King. He is/was in fact a timelord. Just like Doctor Who. Although he is called Dr. King. My research has shown that probably his first incarnation was as Martin Luther-King Junior. Fighting for good against evil he strongly campaigned for civil rights under this guise and changed history. If you play his 'I Have A Dream' speech backwards and don't really listen properly, it turns out to be a revelation of his actual identity in his home language of Gallifrey. All was going well until that disastrous day on April 4th in 1968 when the good Doctor was assassinated as he stood on his balcony. His work for black-equality tragically cut short, and left without a major role-model, many Americans including the whole African-American population sank into despair, fearing him gone forever.

       Little did they know that Dr. King was already back. He had regenerated as Michael Jackson and in this incarnation he fought against black inequality through the medium of music. He is the most commercially successful and one of the most influential entertainers of all time. His unique contributions to music, dance, and fashion, along with a highly publicized personal life, made him a prominent global figure in popular culture for over four decades. He was the new role-model that Black America wanted. How are he and Luther-King the same person I hear you ask? Think about it. It is all very subtle but if you look closely, you can recognise the tell-tale clues. They have the same initials; Martin Luther-King Junior and Michael Jackson = MJ. Luther-King was known as Dr. King and Jackson is referred to as the King of Pop.

       However, this incarnation of the timelord Dr. King decided that he would undergo several controversial pigmentation changes and operations and emerged a white woman and later became a man again. Obviously he was still looking for the best way to tackle the problem of racial inequality but was left with the sad realisation that he was now a genderless paedophile. Once more it was time to regenerate. On June 2009 as I ate dinner in a Michigan branch of Applebees, he was discovered dead as the result of a heart-attack.

       This is what first led me to the discovery of the new timelord. In Martin Luther-King's autopsy, it was revealed that the 39 year-old man had a heart age of a 62 year-old. This was probably due to the stress of his work and lifestyle. Thus Dr. King must have a heart problem of some sort because it was exactly the same thing that finished off his second regeneration.

      Who did Dr. King return as? Well none other than Barrack Obama of course! Leading a highly successful and refreshing campaign in 2008, he realised a huge step forward in his work on planet Earth when he was inaugrated as the first black American President in 2009. His Presidency highlights the eventual breakthroughs in American society that have come-about due to the collective efforts of Dr. King. During his inaugration however, Obama was surrounded by bullet-proof glass which reveals there are still lots of race issues to be dealt with in the US; I mean, just because he is black does not mean that he was going to shoot anybody.

       One does worry about the good timelord though. With his apparent heart condition, and the fact that the stress of the Oval Office seems to be getting to Obama (and the fact he smokes), is he just a time-bomb waiting to explode and leave us expecting another regeneration? Michael Jackson lived to be 50 which leaves Obama just 2 years to continue Dr. King's amazing work in the field of civil rights. My personal theory is that his heart will again fail due to the stress of the burden on his shoulders, or the cholestrol that surrounds it as a result of the smoking will cause a heart-attack or a disgruntled KKK member will be having a picnic on a grassy knoll when he will suddenly think "Hey....". But who will he come back as? My studies have shown that his next regeneration will arise from the ashes of Mr. T upon his eventual death from consuming a life-threatening mixture of cheap gold and Snickers bars. 

Modern-day Jekyll and Hyde

       Gordon Brown. He's boring, he leads a relatively unsuccessful life, he is blind in one eye and he does disastrous experiments on our economy. He is Dr. Jekyll.

       However, it recently came to my attention that BNP Party Leader Nick Griffin also is blind in one eye (he actually has a glass eye). See where I am going with this yet?

      Brown recently proclaimed that he wants to become more radical. Is his answer to transform into his alter-ego, Nick Griffin, and carry out his dirty deeds and darkest desires?

      Gordon Brown (to quote the legendary Frankie Boyle) looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum. He looks tired and haggard. This is probably down to all his night-time experiments in brewing his potion which turns him into the evil brute - Mr. Hyde. Once transformed, he goes out amongst the public and denies the Holocaust, beats up young Asian children and ridicules Buddhists. These are obviously all the things that Gordon Brown secretly wishes he could do but unfortunately for him he is stuck in Labour and therefore has to make do with living through Nick Griffin.

       Nick Griffin therefore is quite clearly Mr. Hyde. He gained a Cambridge boxing Blue which no doubt aids his thuggery. He only pops up in the news every now and again and NEVER at the same time as Gordon Brown (until this revealing blog breaks), obviously because they can't both be around at the same time - one has to transform into the other.

       The only answer therefore, is to vote for David Cameron in the upcoming election. At least he will only bring upper-class racism to Britain, which (let's face it) is what makes our nation great!!!

In todays news...

Someone working for BBC online today was obviously having a laugh when they mixed up two of the most popular headlines to form:

Ranger keeper put to sleep

and

World's 'oldest dog' denies sex claims

Apart from their headlines, the stories weren't any good. One other news story did catch my eye though.


'Doomsday Clock' moves a minute back

       So that's a good thing is it? The group in charge of it (the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists [BAS]) said it made the decision to move the clock back because of a more "hopeful state of world affairs". So are we meant to get excited then? Be all positive because things seem to be going right in the world for once and thus we seem to have moved further away from Armageddon?

        By further away I of course mean ONE MINUTE!!! Yeah, that's right, the clock hands have moved back from 5 minutes to midnight to 6 minutes to midnight. Thats fuck all of an improvement. That shouldn't be celebrated, the whole of mankind should really be quite worried! An improvement would be 'The Doomsday Clock now stands at half-eleven' or even better, 'Doomsday Clock scrapped by government because it is deemed as a health hazard'. But celebrating the fact that the hands have moved back a minute? It's on par with celebrating the 'Sex and the City' movie franchise making a trilogy or something as heinous as that.

       Seriously though, which cretinous idiot invented this device? It's rather dangerous don't you think? What the fuck happens when the clocks go forward in Spring? It's like inventing a nuclear weapon 'just because scientists can' when all it will do is destroy people and our world. Friccin' Idiots!!! And the tosspots that are the BAS didn't give us a chance at all. The Clock face itself started at 11:51 - it's as if they wanted to give nuclear war a headstart. Creating this Clock was about as dumb as the creation of the Large Hadron Collider which actually had a chance of making a Black Hole that would have destroyed the earth. I would argue that if there is any chance of that happening then said device should not even be attempted. What is wrong with scientists? Pretty much everything they do is evil!

Possible Solutions:

-Tie Dawn French to the top of the long-hand so that it will fall back to half-past and remain there forever. Therefore the world will never end and the whole crisis situation will have been defused by the power of comedy.
-Actually create a real life Team America to go round and dispose of those holding WMD's that are threats whilst America disposes of its own.
-Destroy the Doomsday Clock so that it will never be able to destroy the world (because it is in fact the Clock that will cause Armageddon and no-one else).

     

In today's news continued...

Tobey Maguire to leave Spider-Man films

       I think I speak for everyone when I say "Whoopee Shit!". US actor Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi will not be returning for a fourth film in the hit Spider-Man franchise, it has been announced. Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios said a new film would be released in 2012, but with a new story, director and cast.

       It isn't that I dislike Spider-man. I don't and I hope that these big changes will bring a fresh new start to this movie franchise. I do, however, dislike Tobey Maguire. He did for Peter Parker what Elijah Wood did for Frodo and Viggo Mortensen did for Aragorn. Made him WET WET WET. Put Maguire's Spider-man in 'Watchmen' and he wouldn't have lasted two seconds.

      No, Tobey Maguire was certainly not hero material and I think it is just as well that he has ended his part in the Spider-Man movies. As for Rosemary Harris who plays Parker's extrememly annoying Aunt May, I can only hope she is entered into an episode of 'Celebrity Wipeout' and doesn't survive.
      
       To counteract this positive step in his life however, Maguire's latest role is in the soon-to-be released 'Brothers' as Captain Sam Cahill. He returns home from being presumed dead in Afghanistan to find out his brother is having an affair with his wife (or so he thinks). 

       This is UTTER shit - the plot is complete wank and the actors are as well!!! It just goes to show that the Iraq war was a complete mistake. So far, not one decent action/war movie has come out of it! Why do producers still insist on making movies about this 'war' - it's not like Vietnam from which we got 'Platoon' and 'Tropic Thunder'. The chances of a good Iraq war film being made are only equivalent to those of George Bush actually discovering WMDs.


Labour Manifesto 'to be most radical in recent times'

       Well, that's a complete joke. After his recent 'Never Stop Believing' speech which sounded like he was just misquoting Journey, Gordon Brown has decided that his general election manifesto will be the "most radical programme" that Labour has offered in recent times.
      
       It's too late Brown! Give up! Labour aren't radical, that is why they hold the centre ground. The Nationalist Socialist Party were radical and if that is what Brown is promising then I think I can safely say that he will only secure the votes of the BNP. That some of the Labour Party deem the election "winnable" despite the Tory's lead in the polls just goes to show how deluded they are.

      This news on the manifesto comes after a recent attempt on Brown's party leadership in which Labour MPs were invited by former ministers Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt to to hold a secret ballot on the Prime Minister's performance. The plot failed when it did not get high-level support and because Gordon Brown used to play rugby. Meanwhile, Business Secretary Lord Mandelson payed tribute to Mr Brown's resilience and strong leadership in defeating this coup. Well he would wouldn't he because he is gay!

        I have a distinct feeling though that this article was a joke because it finished up by saying that "Chancellor Alistair Darling said the economy would be central to the campaign and he would be leading an attack on the Tories' economic policies". Unfortunately for Labour, it is exactly because of the economy that their support is dwindling seeing as under Brown's rule, we are currently in the worst depression that Britain has seen for years. Coincedence? No. Brown screwed things up as Blair's chancellor and when he became Prime Minister, Darling carried on his alarmingly effective work. Therefore, Labour are showing just how incompetent they are by attacking one of their oppostition's strongest points in their death throws.


       Finally, a word on Alistair Darling. Why anybody trusts this man to be in charge of a teabag, let alone the economy, is beyond me. His hair and eyebrows don't match, I mean what is with that? Apart from the fact that he will re-incarnate as a Zebra (or a badger), frankly he looks ridiculous. Thus, one would wonder why on earth Brown would include him in his cabinet until you remember that he is partially blind.


Ron Jeremy says violent video games 'worse' than porn

       SHOCK!!! HORROR!!! A pornstar trying to justify pornography's morality? That's unheard of?!

       Of course I'm being sarcastic. This is just the sort of typical thing that the fat, ugly bastard would come out with. His recent remarks caused a stir in the gaming community who paused their games for a brief moment to Twitter obscenities about Jeremy.

      His comments were ridiculous though. The ordinary sane child may play Call Of Duty 6 but doesn't then go outside and re-enact what they have just played. It is the same for most 'violent' action games. Sure there are some that are perhaps undesirable such as the game 'Manhunt' which was banned but that was the correct thing to do. It is only really in America that on the very rare occasion, a student (often an Asian emo) snaps and commits a high-school massacre. I don't feel that this can really be blamed on violent 'games' however, but instead on their mental incapability.

       However, I think it is preposterous that the person figure-heading the campaign against violent games at the moment is none other than Ron Jeremy who himself has made over 2000 appearances in pornographic movies. When he descibes these games as 'worse' than porn, it is quite fair to say therefore that he has no small amount of bias in the matter. If we want anyone's opinion, it shouldn't be his. To be honest I would rather my future children indulge themselves in 'violent' games then on porn, it would certainly cut down on paper wastage.

In today's news...

Man offers his tongue to Gods

       Which narrows our choice of religions down to about two; Scientology and Hinduism.

       A childless Indian man sliced off his tongue as an offering to the god Shiva in the hope of becoming a father. He has been left with the vocal capability of Sylvester Stallone. Obviously he wasn't the brightest of Hindus othewise he might instead have tried praying to their god Brahma - the creator. Secondly, Doofus Patel (as I've christenend him) also didn't realise that cutting out his tongue isn't going to make him any luckier with the ladies. In fact quite the opposite...apart from looking hideous, he will be lacking what women would consider one of the more important muscles.

       Unfortunately, Mr. Patel was unable to comment on this news story.


Alcohol abuse 'costs every Scot £900 a year'

       "Alcohol misuse could be costing every adult in Scotland £900 every year, according to a new report.
      
       York University economists said the problem may be costing taxpayers between £2.4bn and £4.6bn.
      
       The Scottish government said the research strengthened its argument for minimum alcohol pricing.

       Ministers do not have enough support to get the plan through parliament, with opposition parties saying it could be illegal under European competition law."

       There are obvioulsy a few problems with this news article which highlight some of the more common problems with today's reporting.

1.The rest of the article was so boring I didn't bother reading on.
2. Notice how the headline is utter certainty (or a lie). The first paragraph then introduces an element of doubt in that it IS NOT in fact 'every Scot' whom it costs £900 as a result of alcohol abuse. The second paragraph then gets even more sceptical in that some insignificant economists somewhere stated that it "MAY BE costing taxpayers". Plus taxpayers cuts down the number of adults again and seeing as this is Scotland we are talking about, and they hate the English, it SIGNIFICANTLY decreases the number of people whom alcohol abuse effects. Finally, the last paragraph shows that the article itself was a nothing-story because MP's tried to impose minimum alcohol pricing but were strongly opposed, mainly by Scottish political parties.
       Therefore we have established that only a few Scots are effected by alcohol abuse, that it doesn't in fact cost them each £900 a year and that something almost happened but in the end it didn't. I've got to applaud the BBC, it's thrilling stuff.
3. The Scots themselves don't see it as 'alcohol abuse'; to them a £900 drinking binge is in fact just a good night out.

Cold Montana

       I couldn't believe my luck!! The Hannah Montana show is to be terminated come March 2011! Of course it won't completely have gone...just by that time it will have downsized into low grade 'Blue' movies - still starring Miley Cyrus of course.
       The show itself has a plot about as convincing and heart-warming as High School Musical. I dread to think what Disney will replace it with but at this point in time I'm thinking pretty much anything will be better than Hannah Montana.
       People will live longer. Parents won't be driven insane by listening to her music incessantly on long drives with their children. There will be less child-abuse because parents won't have so much pent-up rage inside of them and thus won't release it on their kids because they don't have access to Ms. Cyrus. The war in Iraq will cease and AIDS will be a thing of the past; come March 2011.
       Martin Luther-King had a dream ladies and gentlemen...and it's finally going to be realised.

       There is, however, a cloudy lining to our silver. Miley Cyrus is to appear as herself in the upcoming
shit-flick 'Sex and the City 2'. As if she couldn't make any more mistakes in her life - well she proved them wrong!

In today's news...

       'No news is good news' some say. And if it is news about the plane-crash in the Andes and your mother-in-law was on board the flight then I can agree with the previous statement. However, at the moment, no news is bad news for me. In my cooped up situation as I battle with my coursework, the news is all that is connecting me to the outside world!!! However, I shall do my best. (If you are wondering, I have used the word 'news' 7 times. 8 if you count the title.).

Snow gives Scottish economy a boost

       What? Because they've just changed their currency to snow and now everyone is bloody rich? The only way the Scot's economy will ever be boosted is if England gets an economic boom OR there is an uprising in Scotland and they take back all of their oil. But then of course they'd just be back in 20 years having used up all the oil in the
production of irn bru.
        Apparently though, the reason for the so called boost is that Cairngorm Mountain has received its best covering of snow in years - therefore it has attracted lots of people going out to enjoy the slopes.
       That's not an economic boost. Calling some extra people going skiing an 'economic boost' is like calling 'Celebrity Wipeout' the Holocaust. Or less controversially, labelling weed as a Class B drug.
       

Aside from that though, I did enjoy seeing some of the other headlines today.

England went with 'Afghan bomb kills Mirror reporter' and 'Two charged after Heathrow alert'. Ireland went with  'Concern over prostate cancer test' and 'Iris Robinson receiving treatment'.

All very important issues.

Meanwhile, the main stories in Wales were 'Snow predicted overnight in Wales' and 'Warning to stay off frozen ponds'.

In today's news...

Teenager admits microwaving hamster

        Obviously with the weather being frozen, the news has followed suit. Hence the above headline. A teenager has admitted cooking his hamster and is now being crucified in court by the RSPCA.

       There are so many things I don't get about this. Cooking hamsters is one effective way of getting rid of vermin - no one would have complained had the victim been a rat or Jedward. It's also a neat idea for eating cheaply - instead of buying a calf or piglet and nurturing them until they are ready to be slaughtered (and burning through a fortune) you can simply buy some hamsters at the food/pet store and probably cook them in a much quicker time.

       People also seem to be focussing on the 'crime' that was the 16 year old's 'murder' of a creature when in fact the real crime was that against cuisine. No mention was made of any sauces in which the hamster was cooked in, leading me to suspect that he was just prepared on his own which is in itself a heinous act. If you are going to microwave a creature, do it properly and preferably with vegetables. Gravy is good too.

       Furthermore, where do the RSPCA get off in bringing charges against an innocent starving immigrant child? I certainly don't support cruelty to animals (unless it is Alvin and The Chipmunks) but I do think that in some sense too much attention and respect is given to this organisation when we should instead be upholding the value of HUMAN life. The RSPCA don't seem to care that they are getting this boy in trouble (for the crime of preparing himself a meal) in defence of a hamster. Surely humans come first.  At this point I would like to quote two very respected philosophers - Bret McKenzie and Jermaine Clement - who highlighted that;

"There's children on the streets using guns and knives, taking drugs and each other's lives, killing each other using knives and forks and calling each other names like dork. There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys...I saw a man lying on the street half dead, he had knives and forks sticking out of his leg. He said, 'Ahh ahh ahh ahhhhhhhhwww can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please, ooh, could somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees!".

       Evidently then there are many worse problems going on in the world such as murder, rape, war, drug addiction - is it not right that all efforts by organisations should be put into solving/stopping these rather than prosecuting so-called 'animal abusers'?? On top of that, if animals such as rats, pigeons and monkeys are giving humans diseases, they are obviously a threat that should be exterminated.

       Finally, when I actually read the article (having seen the headline first), I was deeply saddened to discover that the hamster itself was not, in fact, a member of G-force. I only hope that there are others like this teenager, who have more success in the hunting down of the Wibberley's regretable creations.

In today's news continued...

Firstly, can I just write a small disclaimer - I would prefer to be doing satire on celebrities or politicians. However, news in those areas is scarce and besides, it's hard to resist a story such as the following.

Man with genitals in pipe cut free


       A man who went to casualty with his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder. Medics at Southampton General Hospital could not get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become aroused, so they called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service. They turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help in what a spokesman said was a "delicate operation".
       The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch grinder to cut the pipe from around the man's penis and it took about 30 minutes. The patient was given an anaesthetic and his penis was left bruised and swollen but otherwise unharmed. The anxious man, aged about 40, gave hospital staff no explanation about how the pipe got stuck after he turned up on Tuesday morning.
       A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: "Initially the crew did not have the appropriate cutting equipment to free the man.
       "It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.
      "It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again."

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       Now, that was the article. here are my thoughts.
1. Look at all the innuendo used in this article - whoever wrote it must have been having the time of their lives: "four and a half inches", "steady hand", "special equipment" and "too hot" to name a few.
2. Why is the man's age important? Either tell us his name as well so he can be fully ridiculed or don't disclose any details!! When we look at his age are we meant to think ' good to see the old guy's still got it in him'?
3. It doesn't take seven firemen to extract a penis from a metal pipe - they were obviously just there because they were bored and wanted some entertainment.
4. This is meant to be an actual news article, not a smutty porn story. Therefore, don't say "the restricted blood flow had caused it to become aroused"!! Contrary to many women's beliefs, penis' don't have a mind of their own. The writer should have instead used 'erect' instead of "aroused". It at least reduces the sexual nature of this article a little.
5. Finally, the news story concludes with "I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again!". I beg to disagree. The man was having sex with a metal pipe. The operation of seperating his penis from the pole probably served to arouse him even more. Obviously he is of a more mystical and masichistic sexual persuasion and I doubt it will be long before he is back in A&E.

 

In today's news...

Stronger toilet for obese patients

       Yes, that's right. An extra-strong toilet which can cope with morbidly obese patients weighing up to 70 stones has been introduced at a hospital. This reinforced steel toilet is reportedly still in the prototype stage with manufacturer Armitage Shanks and has now been installed on a new 23-bay ward at Lincoln County Hospital. Lincolnshire Hospitals NHS Trust said it had bought an extra-wide bed for the £2.8 million ward. The bed can also cope with a patient weighing 70 stones and comes complete with hoists and pulleys.
      
       Sorry, but I didn't realise that hospitals were now catering to ELEPHANTS!!! Has the NHS run out of ordinary humans to kill and is now inducting animals into its sick bays? Perhaps that is how they make up the numbers to claim for their Government funding.

       Seriously though, what human weighs 70 stone? That is 980 pounds. I mean it is nice to know that Lincolnshire hospital can now exclusively cater to Dawn French. However, that sort of weight is mind-boggling. Do people that obese even use the toilet (therefore making it necessary to install these new ones which are made of the same material that bridge builers use). I would have thought that these patients would simply wear nappies, probably made from upside down family-sized tents with the bottom cut out and an extra doorway inserted. The added bonus is these would be water-proof...

        If you're weighing in at around 70 stone, you're not going to get up to use the toilet. No, that requires too much effort. Instead you're going to be like Mr. Creosote and just projectile vomit into a bucket. And imagine one of these people actually sitting on a normal human toilet? The effect would be something like what happens in 'Home Alone 3' - the toilet vanishes into the floor and the plumbing bursts everywhere.

       Hospitals shouldn't be treating people that heavy. Instead they should be sending them to Africa to feed the starving. And the re-inforced toilets? Why, give them to Chuck Norris of course...

 

The day after tomorrow...

       Those of you who know me better must have been worried for my sanity when you read my last post and saw that I had made soup instead of meat for myself to eat.

       Let me reassure you that I am as insane as ever (and still a carnivore). It is just that we are recording record lows in the temperature here at the moment; it is -18 degrees. With this in mind I decided to go for something which I thought would warm me all the way through seeing as I don't drink tea or coffee.

       When I heard how low the temperature was and kicked through the snow outside I did cast my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life so far - the day on which I was misfortunate enough to watch 'The Day After Tomorrow'! This film was the 'Sex and the City' of apocalypse movies - it was so depressingly bad I felt the urge to enter the movie myself with some sort of automatic weapon and end everyone's misery. If things are that bad people, just give up and die!!! Don't hide in libraries and walk through blizzards. But enough ranting about this movie, that is not the point of this post.

       It is ridiculously cold and one does wonder how many old people will indeed make it through this Winter season, which by all rights should have ended with Christmas because (let's face it) it is the UK. It may be that I will actually have to wear a coat and dig out a hat and scarf and such.

       People are getting sent home from work and many schools have shut themselves down because they lack enough salt to make their walkways safe. No-one is complaining. I just wish that I was back at work or still in school so I could enjoy these effects of the weather.

Cup-a-soup:- Just add soup.

        In answer to the cold today, I decided to make myself a hot beverage for the first time in ages. As I searched through the cupboards, my eyes fixed on a box of Cup-a-soup. Having never tried this variety of instant soup before I figured I would give it a go.

       I had the most horrendous case of 'liquid stomach' not 2 hours later - undoubtably caused by the mess I had slurped earlier. My first clue should have been in the fact that the instant soup came in the form of a powder which had an uncanny resemblance to powdered laxative. In fact that is what it basically was - preparation for a colonoscopy with 'vegetables' in it.

       So if 'Golden Vegetable' gives you the shits, I dread to think what the other 'flavours' do. AIDs, herpes and arthritis all spring to mind. My advice...stay away from this unholy dirt and only drink soup from a can (if you have to).

Harry Potter and the Return of the God-Awful Sequels

Nothing to do with Harry Potter.

I was recently unfortunate enough to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks. As the bile rose in my throat I comforted myself with the thought that that would be the last I would see of those detestable vermin. Little did I know that God had other plans. I do understand the appeal of cute cuddly creatures - many kids films centre around them nowadays and animation can do wonders.

However, Tim Hill obviously lost a wager to the devil and was left with a film about three chipmunks whose voices are about as soothing and attractive as Crazy Frog's. Not taking the hint after having made the first one, he then made a sequel. As if this wasn't bad enough, he has doubled the number of vermin!!! And they're female! No prizes for guessing the outcome - the chipmunks will have sex and BAM, Tim Hill has the makings of a trilogy about the demonic offspring of the bestial union.

I am also saddened because I quite like Jason Lee and yet I now feel that this franchise has ruined his credibility. He'll have to be in another Kevin Smith movie to recover.

But that isn't all!!! As if 'not knowing a good time to stop' has become a virus that has spread around Hollywood, there is to be a 'Sex and the City 2'. Oh dear God.

Buddy Holly wrote that he "saw Satan laughing with delight the day the music died". I dread to think what he will be doing on the day this sequel is released. The first installment sullied the good name of crap...is it possible to sink any lower? Well Sarah Jessica Parker and her overwhelming masculinity are striving to find out.

The only way in which I could at all look forward to this movie would be if the trailer began with "From the makers of Saw comes Sex and the City 2..."

Breaking and Entering

So I've always been faced with a connundrum in terms of when you are using the toilet and someone tries to force open the door and then knocks. Your preoccupation is probably the lowest of human lows - when we are at out most undignified and engaged in the basest of activities.

What do you say??? "Come in and know me better man!"?

I mean, don't people know the toilet is occupied? I may shit very very quietly but you think the closed door would give them an inkling as to the nature of the activities being carried out inside.

And then, don't you knock first if the door is shut? Instead of trying to break it open and in the process scaring the living daylights out of whoever is relieving themselves? This must play havoc with nervous pooh-ers.

I've always adopted the approach that I think a lot of people must take - that when this happens you keep deathly silent until the offending personage realises their mistake and exits amid a stream of muttered curses.

What makes this crime doubly heinous is when both parties know that there is an empty toilet downstairs and this whole awkward situation could be avoided.

In today's news continued...

So, I've realised my mistake - I looked for news on the BBC website when actually I should have been reading MSN's version of current affairs which is what I will do from now on.

Policeman faces 'church sex' claims

Apparently a German police officer has been suspended from duty after being caught having sex during a church service. Surprise surprise it was a Catholic church and yet the policeman wasn't actually an altar boy dressed up.

How do you punish someone for this sort of offence though? The copper faces 'possible' disciplinary action as well as a criminal complaint for disturbing religious activities. And yet isn't sex life-affirming and God-given?

Of course I'm making light of a very serious issue. It's just that if I were the Judge, I would go pretty light on the man knowing that what God has in store for him is probably going to pretty terrible. On his tombstone will be written "Lightning never strikes twice...until January 6th 2010 when it struck so many times that we didn't even need to cremate him".

'Fatties' kicked off dating website

This was a 'nothing' news story - sadly typical of MSN and yet amusing nonetheless. 5000 fatties were kicked off a dating website for eating too much over Christmas and losing their looks. They had also eaten their blind dates but that's beside the point.

This dating website - BeautifulPeople.com - kicked the 5000 off it's website because it has a very strict policy against ugly people.

Firstly, I blame Jesus. Not because he made people fat, but because he was responsible for feeding the 5000 and thus for their rejection from BeautifulPeople.com.

Secondly, this dating website must be pretty retarded if it doesn't realise that by disqualifying these fatties it is shooting itself in the foot seeing as good-looking people usually don't have trouble getting dates, it's the uggos that you need to take care of.

According to sources, the 5000 immediately joined the weight-watchers website which subsequently crashed.