Sorry I've been away everyone...I know how you've missed me. I've been filling my time with moving houses, cooking and having people look up my ass. Not everyone made it out. But now I'll be trying to be regular again in my posting. I hope you enjoy.
Extra Strength Marmite Unveiled
An extra-strong version of Marmite has recently gone on sale. The only difference to the original is that now people will either love it or really hate it.
Plane Passenger Eats Scratch Card
Now this is a really sad story. An airline passenger braved the human rights injustice that you usually experience aboard Ryanair flights to get to Krakow. To try and brighten his flight of numbing inevitability, he purchased one of their extremely overpriced scratch cards. Against all odds, he won £8930. The God of Ryanair was not to be so easily beaten however. Worried that this would bankrupt his airline company, he put it in the minds of his gremlins to tell the passenger that he would not be able to claim his winnings immediately (due to the fact that about two more packets of peanuts would have to be sold on their flights to raise the money to actually award the money whilst simultaneously sueing the scratchcard company for actually providing them with a winning scratchcard).
Faced with this inconvenience (typical of Ryanair) the passenger reacted as any reasonable person would and ate his scratchcard. Presumably he regretted this impulse decision on his walk to Krakow when the flight landed just a short distance from its said destination...in London, England.
Convict digs out of prison using a spoon
The title is pretty self-explanatory. The convict (a 35 year old woman) is still on the run in Holland and in my opinion should be left alone and pardoned for her unspecified 'violent' crime. Anyone who can dig their way out of a prison with a spoon should be allowed to have their freedom free. The feat is equivalent to O.J Simpson being a comedy gem (The Naked Gun trilogy) and thus not being guilty for the alleged murder of his wife and her lover. Or Ben Affleck being Ben Affleck and thus not being charged for killing all those hookers.
Sex Education not 'watered down'
The actual news title was "Sex Education not 'watered down', says Ed Balls.
The article itself was very boring and talked about sex education in the UK and in faith schools, but the headline was priceless. The fact that the child secretary would be called Ed Balls...you can't make this stuff up.
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That's all for now folks. More soon.
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