Sex Asbo Woman Faces Sentence
Or 'Sex Asbo Woman Faces Stiff Sentence' and 'Trial Of Sex Asbo Woman Reaches Climax'. The Daily Mail went with 'Noisy Immigrant Muslim Women Taking Up Jobs Linked to Princess Di's Death'; because some things never change.
To be honest, this article doesn't really need ridiculing, it was just a funny news story. It went as follows:
"A woman who ignored an Asbo which banned her from having noisy sex is being sentenced for breaching it.
Caroline and Steve Cartwright's sex life was so loud, a woman taking her child to school complained, and it was claimed they drowned out nearby televisions. Neighbours and even the postman objected and the 48-year-old from Concord, Washington, Tyne and Wear, was first hit with a noise abatement notice, then an Asbo ordering her to quieten down in the bedroom".
This scenario reminds me of the Friends episode where Monica makes sweets to be distributed to her neighbours and she is accosted by the older woman who has really noisy sex, as Joey and Chandler identify. But imagine being told to quieten down in the bedroom - how embarassing is that?
Also, drowning out televisions is quite a hard task. Obviously, whoever was watching the TVs had them on mute so as to hear the action below. They only complained when they remembered what the neighbour looked like.
Jail For Shelf-Stacker Caught Licking A Chicken
"Adeel Ayub was caught on camera in a branch of Asda at Fulwood near Preston in Lancashire. Footage showed him setting off a fire extinguisher, cutting up clothing, smashing eggs, slashing staff furniture, licking a raw chicken and urinating in a bin. Ayub's behaviour was filmed by a colleague on a mobile phone. Magistrates at Preston Town Court gave him the maximum sentence available. Ayub's solicitor Manny Anwar-Qureshi said: "I don't think the sentence is proportionate to the crime. He was very remorseful and has grown up a lot since the incidents.
"He was stitched up by other people. I am very surprised at the sentence given the crimes were four years ago. The chances are he will probably lose his job. His family are shocked and upset." The footage showed Ayub committing the offences while he worked at the Asda supermarket between 2005 and 2008. The film was then left anonymously in a brown envelope at the front desk of a local newspaper, before being passed to Asda who contacted Preston Police. An Asda spokesman said: "Our colleagues were very upset about it at the time and we are pleased we can finally draw a line under it and put it behind us."
Ayub, who now works at The Carphone Warehouse, had previously pleaded guilty to five charges of criminal damage".
Is this what terrorism has resorted to? Gone are the days of suicide bombings of planes, trains and automobiles. The modern-day terrorists have come up with a new threat - suicide by salmonella poisoning. It's frightening stuff!! And obviously no-one has seen the new Carphone Warehouse advert where Ed Byrne has been replaced and it's just Mr. Ayub molesting Mowgli.
Personally, it sounds like Mohammed and his colleague got the wrong idea for happy-slapping. Or could it just be that we are seeing here another victim of corporate policy? I've been to Asda, and it is quite clear that people don't just piss in the bins.
According to other sources;
"Ayub, of Spinney Brow, Ribbleton, admitted stamping on the chicken - but denied that he had licked it. Manny Anwar-Qureshi, his solicitor, said: "It was intended as a prank. There was no maliciousness intended and it should be noted that the public seems to be under the mistaken impression that Mr Ayub licked the chicken and then put it back for resale".
No maliciousness in his actions? Mo was jailed by magistrates for 56 days. Some may think that a jail sentence for these actions is pretty tough - community service would be a tough sentence to give even. But seeing as it was a Middle-Eastern who committed these crimes, his actions have been viewed as attempted terrorism and he is lucky to get a sentence as short as 56 days, and not to be sent to Guantanamo Bay.
Oh and licking a chicken then putting it back up for resale? A thing not unheard of in Asda. Their old slogan was 'Why Pay More?'. My answer - so that you don't get extra juice with your chicken.
Sunday, 24 January 2010
Thursday, 21 January 2010
A Day At The Races
If someone asked me whether I wanted to have 'a little flutter on the gee-gees', I'd say "No thanks mate, I'm strictly hetero" and immediately head in the opposite direction. And yet so many masculine men acquire this 'lingo' from the past-time of equine gambling.
The attraction of this 'sport' has always been a mystery to me. I won't even pretend to be an expert on it, although some of my friends are. To the untrained eye, a bunch of horses sprint around a race-track, each with the aim of being first over the finishing line. No matter what the race, the one with the embarassing pink colours always wins (a wee tip for you there!).
The horses are ridden by men known as 'jockeys'. It is in their best interest to keep the horse-racing industry alive. If it were to fail, there would simply not be enough circuses and performances of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' to support their livelihood.
Race-horses themselves have a terrible existence apparently. If you want evidence of this, watch 'Black Beauty'.
Actually, don't watch 'Black Beauty', it's a shockingly bad film with about as much appeal to today's generation as a long lecture on 'The Dangers of Unprotected Sex'. Instead, I will try and relate it to you with an example. Imagine super-models. You might see them as having an idyllic lifestyle, but they don't. They are starved and made to throw-up until they resort to cocaine and eventually overdose and die. In this way they are 'maintained'. And it is the same for horses! They are fed very strictly, they too are beaten and also pumped so full of drugs that sometimes they just drop dead. Amy Winehouse is an example of both worlds gone desperately wrong.
Which pretty much brings me to the end of my meagre knowledge of horse-racing. Now I would like to make some observations on and around the subject.
In 'Back to the Future 2', Doc and Marty travel to the future and Marty gets his hands on a racing Almanac from they year they originally came from. Inside, it details all the racing results of that year. Doc is horrified that Marty would think to bring it back with him and stops him from doing so.
That was the wrong decision. Instead, here is what I would have done. Firstly, get rid of Doc. The guy is like 93, extremely annoying and gets Marty into all sorts of unnecessary trouble. In short, he is the perfect candidate for some certain Swedish clinics. Dispose of his body in the future you are in and 'hey-presto', you're free to do what you want.
Next, travel back to the year you originally came from. Kill the writers of the 'Back to the Future' franchise so that absolutely nobody will be able to figure out what you're up to! Then withdraw all your savings and bet them on a horse-race. Continue to gamble on all kinds of events until you're so rich that you could enter Stephen Hawkins into a Demolition Derby in just his wheelchair and nobody would stop you. You have the Almanac so you can never lose but you probably should a few times so people can't get too suspicious.
Finally, when the Almanac is out of date, and you are one of the richest people in the world, invest your money. However, one of the key issues on your mind is that by now you're probably addicted to winning and yet you now only have the same chance of doing so as all the other common people. Therefore, one of your major investments should be in finding a solution to this problem. I would therefore suggest that you buy Amy Winehouse and spend as much as it takes to turn her into a top-class, unbeatable race-horse. Then you can continue to gamble on the race-track without fear of losing whilst making tonnes of money.
Eventually, when the odds against your horse are insurmountable, bet everything against her and during the race, trigger the long overdue heroin overdose and collect your winnings.
To link this article back to its subject, the above plan is one of only a few ways in which I can ever see horse-racing being useful to mankind or one of its members.
The attraction of this 'sport' has always been a mystery to me. I won't even pretend to be an expert on it, although some of my friends are. To the untrained eye, a bunch of horses sprint around a race-track, each with the aim of being first over the finishing line. No matter what the race, the one with the embarassing pink colours always wins (a wee tip for you there!).
The horses are ridden by men known as 'jockeys'. It is in their best interest to keep the horse-racing industry alive. If it were to fail, there would simply not be enough circuses and performances of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' to support their livelihood.
Race-horses themselves have a terrible existence apparently. If you want evidence of this, watch 'Black Beauty'.
Actually, don't watch 'Black Beauty', it's a shockingly bad film with about as much appeal to today's generation as a long lecture on 'The Dangers of Unprotected Sex'. Instead, I will try and relate it to you with an example. Imagine super-models. You might see them as having an idyllic lifestyle, but they don't. They are starved and made to throw-up until they resort to cocaine and eventually overdose and die. In this way they are 'maintained'. And it is the same for horses! They are fed very strictly, they too are beaten and also pumped so full of drugs that sometimes they just drop dead. Amy Winehouse is an example of both worlds gone desperately wrong.
Which pretty much brings me to the end of my meagre knowledge of horse-racing. Now I would like to make some observations on and around the subject.
In 'Back to the Future 2', Doc and Marty travel to the future and Marty gets his hands on a racing Almanac from they year they originally came from. Inside, it details all the racing results of that year. Doc is horrified that Marty would think to bring it back with him and stops him from doing so.
That was the wrong decision. Instead, here is what I would have done. Firstly, get rid of Doc. The guy is like 93, extremely annoying and gets Marty into all sorts of unnecessary trouble. In short, he is the perfect candidate for some certain Swedish clinics. Dispose of his body in the future you are in and 'hey-presto', you're free to do what you want.
Next, travel back to the year you originally came from. Kill the writers of the 'Back to the Future' franchise so that absolutely nobody will be able to figure out what you're up to! Then withdraw all your savings and bet them on a horse-race. Continue to gamble on all kinds of events until you're so rich that you could enter Stephen Hawkins into a Demolition Derby in just his wheelchair and nobody would stop you. You have the Almanac so you can never lose but you probably should a few times so people can't get too suspicious.
Finally, when the Almanac is out of date, and you are one of the richest people in the world, invest your money. However, one of the key issues on your mind is that by now you're probably addicted to winning and yet you now only have the same chance of doing so as all the other common people. Therefore, one of your major investments should be in finding a solution to this problem. I would therefore suggest that you buy Amy Winehouse and spend as much as it takes to turn her into a top-class, unbeatable race-horse. Then you can continue to gamble on the race-track without fear of losing whilst making tonnes of money.
Eventually, when the odds against your horse are insurmountable, bet everything against her and during the race, trigger the long overdue heroin overdose and collect your winnings.
To link this article back to its subject, the above plan is one of only a few ways in which I can ever see horse-racing being useful to mankind or one of its members.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
Dr. Who? Dr. King.
Monday the 18th of January this year saw the Americans hold their annual Martin Luther-King Jnr. Day celebrations by taking a day off work because some guy got whacked 42 years ago.
Well that got your attention!! And before some of you pick up bottles or Fried Chicken or Taffy to beat me with, let me re-assure you that I am not going to make fun of Martin Luther-King!!! He did amazing work in campaigning for equal rights in America and against deeply ingrained social racism. Hopefully that covers my ass. I would go on about his greatness but all the newspaper articles have done that and that isn't the purpose of this blog.
No, I am going to reveal the truth about Luther-King and certain other black icons of America. They are all one and the same person. Are you shocked? Is your conspiratorial mind intrigued yet? Read on for the facts.
Let's start with Luther-King. He is/was in fact a timelord. Just like Doctor Who. Although he is called Dr. King. My research has shown that probably his first incarnation was as Martin Luther-King Junior. Fighting for good against evil he strongly campaigned for civil rights under this guise and changed history. If you play his 'I Have A Dream' speech backwards and don't really listen properly, it turns out to be a revelation of his actual identity in his home language of Gallifrey. All was going well until that disastrous day on April 4th in 1968 when the good Doctor was assassinated as he stood on his balcony. His work for black-equality tragically cut short, and left without a major role-model, many Americans including the whole African-American population sank into despair, fearing him gone forever.
Little did they know that Dr. King was already back. He had regenerated as Michael Jackson and in this incarnation he fought against black inequality through the medium of music. He is the most commercially successful and one of the most influential entertainers of all time. His unique contributions to music, dance, and fashion, along with a highly publicized personal life, made him a prominent global figure in popular culture for over four decades. He was the new role-model that Black America wanted. How are he and Luther-King the same person I hear you ask? Think about it. It is all very subtle but if you look closely, you can recognise the tell-tale clues. They have the same initials; Martin Luther-King Junior and Michael Jackson = MJ. Luther-King was known as Dr. King and Jackson is referred to as the King of Pop.
However, this incarnation of the timelord Dr. King decided that he would undergo several controversial pigmentation changes and operations and emerged a white woman and later became a man again. Obviously he was still looking for the best way to tackle the problem of racial inequality but was left with the sad realisation that he was now a genderless paedophile. Once more it was time to regenerate. On June 2009 as I ate dinner in a Michigan branch of Applebees, he was discovered dead as the result of a heart-attack.
This is what first led me to the discovery of the new timelord. In Martin Luther-King's autopsy, it was revealed that the 39 year-old man had a heart age of a 62 year-old. This was probably due to the stress of his work and lifestyle. Thus Dr. King must have a heart problem of some sort because it was exactly the same thing that finished off his second regeneration.
Who did Dr. King return as? Well none other than Barrack Obama of course! Leading a highly successful and refreshing campaign in 2008, he realised a huge step forward in his work on planet Earth when he was inaugrated as the first black American President in 2009. His Presidency highlights the eventual breakthroughs in American society that have come-about due to the collective efforts of Dr. King. During his inaugration however, Obama was surrounded by bullet-proof glass which reveals there are still lots of race issues to be dealt with in the US; I mean, just because he is black does not mean that he was going to shoot anybody.
One does worry about the good timelord though. With his apparent heart condition, and the fact that the stress of the Oval Office seems to be getting to Obama (and the fact he smokes), is he just a time-bomb waiting to explode and leave us expecting another regeneration? Michael Jackson lived to be 50 which leaves Obama just 2 years to continue Dr. King's amazing work in the field of civil rights. My personal theory is that his heart will again fail due to the stress of the burden on his shoulders, or the cholestrol that surrounds it as a result of the smoking will cause a heart-attack or a disgruntled KKK member will be having a picnic on a grassy knoll when he will suddenly think "Hey....". But who will he come back as? My studies have shown that his next regeneration will arise from the ashes of Mr. T upon his eventual death from consuming a life-threatening mixture of cheap gold and Snickers bars.
Well that got your attention!! And before some of you pick up bottles or Fried Chicken or Taffy to beat me with, let me re-assure you that I am not going to make fun of Martin Luther-King!!! He did amazing work in campaigning for equal rights in America and against deeply ingrained social racism. Hopefully that covers my ass. I would go on about his greatness but all the newspaper articles have done that and that isn't the purpose of this blog.
No, I am going to reveal the truth about Luther-King and certain other black icons of America. They are all one and the same person. Are you shocked? Is your conspiratorial mind intrigued yet? Read on for the facts.
Let's start with Luther-King. He is/was in fact a timelord. Just like Doctor Who. Although he is called Dr. King. My research has shown that probably his first incarnation was as Martin Luther-King Junior. Fighting for good against evil he strongly campaigned for civil rights under this guise and changed history. If you play his 'I Have A Dream' speech backwards and don't really listen properly, it turns out to be a revelation of his actual identity in his home language of Gallifrey. All was going well until that disastrous day on April 4th in 1968 when the good Doctor was assassinated as he stood on his balcony. His work for black-equality tragically cut short, and left without a major role-model, many Americans including the whole African-American population sank into despair, fearing him gone forever.
Little did they know that Dr. King was already back. He had regenerated as Michael Jackson and in this incarnation he fought against black inequality through the medium of music. He is the most commercially successful and one of the most influential entertainers of all time. His unique contributions to music, dance, and fashion, along with a highly publicized personal life, made him a prominent global figure in popular culture for over four decades. He was the new role-model that Black America wanted. How are he and Luther-King the same person I hear you ask? Think about it. It is all very subtle but if you look closely, you can recognise the tell-tale clues. They have the same initials; Martin Luther-King Junior and Michael Jackson = MJ. Luther-King was known as Dr. King and Jackson is referred to as the King of Pop.
However, this incarnation of the timelord Dr. King decided that he would undergo several controversial pigmentation changes and operations and emerged a white woman and later became a man again. Obviously he was still looking for the best way to tackle the problem of racial inequality but was left with the sad realisation that he was now a genderless paedophile. Once more it was time to regenerate. On June 2009 as I ate dinner in a Michigan branch of Applebees, he was discovered dead as the result of a heart-attack.
This is what first led me to the discovery of the new timelord. In Martin Luther-King's autopsy, it was revealed that the 39 year-old man had a heart age of a 62 year-old. This was probably due to the stress of his work and lifestyle. Thus Dr. King must have a heart problem of some sort because it was exactly the same thing that finished off his second regeneration.
Who did Dr. King return as? Well none other than Barrack Obama of course! Leading a highly successful and refreshing campaign in 2008, he realised a huge step forward in his work on planet Earth when he was inaugrated as the first black American President in 2009. His Presidency highlights the eventual breakthroughs in American society that have come-about due to the collective efforts of Dr. King. During his inaugration however, Obama was surrounded by bullet-proof glass which reveals there are still lots of race issues to be dealt with in the US; I mean, just because he is black does not mean that he was going to shoot anybody.
One does worry about the good timelord though. With his apparent heart condition, and the fact that the stress of the Oval Office seems to be getting to Obama (and the fact he smokes), is he just a time-bomb waiting to explode and leave us expecting another regeneration? Michael Jackson lived to be 50 which leaves Obama just 2 years to continue Dr. King's amazing work in the field of civil rights. My personal theory is that his heart will again fail due to the stress of the burden on his shoulders, or the cholestrol that surrounds it as a result of the smoking will cause a heart-attack or a disgruntled KKK member will be having a picnic on a grassy knoll when he will suddenly think "Hey....". But who will he come back as? My studies have shown that his next regeneration will arise from the ashes of Mr. T upon his eventual death from consuming a life-threatening mixture of cheap gold and Snickers bars.
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Modern-day Jekyll and Hyde
Gordon Brown. He's boring, he leads a relatively unsuccessful life, he is blind in one eye and he does disastrous experiments on our economy. He is Dr. Jekyll.
However, it recently came to my attention that BNP Party Leader Nick Griffin also is blind in one eye (he actually has a glass eye). See where I am going with this yet?
Brown recently proclaimed that he wants to become more radical. Is his answer to transform into his alter-ego, Nick Griffin, and carry out his dirty deeds and darkest desires?
Gordon Brown (to quote the legendary Frankie Boyle) looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum. He looks tired and haggard. This is probably down to all his night-time experiments in brewing his potion which turns him into the evil brute - Mr. Hyde. Once transformed, he goes out amongst the public and denies the Holocaust, beats up young Asian children and ridicules Buddhists. These are obviously all the things that Gordon Brown secretly wishes he could do but unfortunately for him he is stuck in Labour and therefore has to make do with living through Nick Griffin.
Nick Griffin therefore is quite clearly Mr. Hyde. He gained a Cambridge boxing Blue which no doubt aids his thuggery. He only pops up in the news every now and again and NEVER at the same time as Gordon Brown (until this revealing blog breaks), obviously because they can't both be around at the same time - one has to transform into the other.
The only answer therefore, is to vote for David Cameron in the upcoming election. At least he will only bring upper-class racism to Britain, which (let's face it) is what makes our nation great!!!
However, it recently came to my attention that BNP Party Leader Nick Griffin also is blind in one eye (he actually has a glass eye). See where I am going with this yet?
Brown recently proclaimed that he wants to become more radical. Is his answer to transform into his alter-ego, Nick Griffin, and carry out his dirty deeds and darkest desires?
Gordon Brown (to quote the legendary Frankie Boyle) looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum. He looks tired and haggard. This is probably down to all his night-time experiments in brewing his potion which turns him into the evil brute - Mr. Hyde. Once transformed, he goes out amongst the public and denies the Holocaust, beats up young Asian children and ridicules Buddhists. These are obviously all the things that Gordon Brown secretly wishes he could do but unfortunately for him he is stuck in Labour and therefore has to make do with living through Nick Griffin.
Nick Griffin therefore is quite clearly Mr. Hyde. He gained a Cambridge boxing Blue which no doubt aids his thuggery. He only pops up in the news every now and again and NEVER at the same time as Gordon Brown (until this revealing blog breaks), obviously because they can't both be around at the same time - one has to transform into the other.
The only answer therefore, is to vote for David Cameron in the upcoming election. At least he will only bring upper-class racism to Britain, which (let's face it) is what makes our nation great!!!
In todays news...
Someone working for BBC online today was obviously having a laugh when they mixed up two of the most popular headlines to form:
Ranger keeper put to sleep
and
World's 'oldest dog' denies sex claims
Apart from their headlines, the stories weren't any good. One other news story did catch my eye though.
'Doomsday Clock' moves a minute back
So that's a good thing is it? The group in charge of it (the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists [BAS]) said it made the decision to move the clock back because of a more "hopeful state of world affairs". So are we meant to get excited then? Be all positive because things seem to be going right in the world for once and thus we seem to have moved further away from Armageddon?
By further away I of course mean ONE MINUTE!!! Yeah, that's right, the clock hands have moved back from 5 minutes to midnight to 6 minutes to midnight. Thats fuck all of an improvement. That shouldn't be celebrated, the whole of mankind should really be quite worried! An improvement would be 'The Doomsday Clock now stands at half-eleven' or even better, 'Doomsday Clock scrapped by government because it is deemed as a health hazard'. But celebrating the fact that the hands have moved back a minute? It's on par with celebrating the 'Sex and the City' movie franchise making a trilogy or something as heinous as that.
Seriously though, which cretinous idiot invented this device? It's rather dangerous don't you think? What the fuck happens when the clocks go forward in Spring? It's like inventing a nuclear weapon 'just because scientists can' when all it will do is destroy people and our world. Friccin' Idiots!!! And the tosspots that are the BAS didn't give us a chance at all. The Clock face itself started at 11:51 - it's as if they wanted to give nuclear war a headstart. Creating this Clock was about as dumb as the creation of the Large Hadron Collider which actually had a chance of making a Black Hole that would have destroyed the earth. I would argue that if there is any chance of that happening then said device should not even be attempted. What is wrong with scientists? Pretty much everything they do is evil!
Possible Solutions:
-Tie Dawn French to the top of the long-hand so that it will fall back to half-past and remain there forever. Therefore the world will never end and the whole crisis situation will have been defused by the power of comedy.
-Actually create a real life Team America to go round and dispose of those holding WMD's that are threats whilst America disposes of its own.
-Destroy the Doomsday Clock so that it will never be able to destroy the world (because it is in fact the Clock that will cause Armageddon and no-one else).
Ranger keeper put to sleep
and
World's 'oldest dog' denies sex claims
Apart from their headlines, the stories weren't any good. One other news story did catch my eye though.
'Doomsday Clock' moves a minute back
So that's a good thing is it? The group in charge of it (the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists [BAS]) said it made the decision to move the clock back because of a more "hopeful state of world affairs". So are we meant to get excited then? Be all positive because things seem to be going right in the world for once and thus we seem to have moved further away from Armageddon?
By further away I of course mean ONE MINUTE!!! Yeah, that's right, the clock hands have moved back from 5 minutes to midnight to 6 minutes to midnight. Thats fuck all of an improvement. That shouldn't be celebrated, the whole of mankind should really be quite worried! An improvement would be 'The Doomsday Clock now stands at half-eleven' or even better, 'Doomsday Clock scrapped by government because it is deemed as a health hazard'. But celebrating the fact that the hands have moved back a minute? It's on par with celebrating the 'Sex and the City' movie franchise making a trilogy or something as heinous as that.
Seriously though, which cretinous idiot invented this device? It's rather dangerous don't you think? What the fuck happens when the clocks go forward in Spring? It's like inventing a nuclear weapon 'just because scientists can' when all it will do is destroy people and our world. Friccin' Idiots!!! And the tosspots that are the BAS didn't give us a chance at all. The Clock face itself started at 11:51 - it's as if they wanted to give nuclear war a headstart. Creating this Clock was about as dumb as the creation of the Large Hadron Collider which actually had a chance of making a Black Hole that would have destroyed the earth. I would argue that if there is any chance of that happening then said device should not even be attempted. What is wrong with scientists? Pretty much everything they do is evil!
Possible Solutions:
-Tie Dawn French to the top of the long-hand so that it will fall back to half-past and remain there forever. Therefore the world will never end and the whole crisis situation will have been defused by the power of comedy.
-Actually create a real life Team America to go round and dispose of those holding WMD's that are threats whilst America disposes of its own.
-Destroy the Doomsday Clock so that it will never be able to destroy the world (because it is in fact the Clock that will cause Armageddon and no-one else).
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
In today's news continued...
Tobey Maguire to leave Spider-Man films
I think I speak for everyone when I say "Whoopee Shit!". US actor Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi will not be returning for a fourth film in the hit Spider-Man franchise, it has been announced. Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios said a new film would be released in 2012, but with a new story, director and cast.
It isn't that I dislike Spider-man. I don't and I hope that these big changes will bring a fresh new start to this movie franchise. I do, however, dislike Tobey Maguire. He did for Peter Parker what Elijah Wood did for Frodo and Viggo Mortensen did for Aragorn. Made him WET WET WET. Put Maguire's Spider-man in 'Watchmen' and he wouldn't have lasted two seconds.
No, Tobey Maguire was certainly not hero material and I think it is just as well that he has ended his part in the Spider-Man movies. As for Rosemary Harris who plays Parker's extrememly annoying Aunt May, I can only hope she is entered into an episode of 'Celebrity Wipeout' and doesn't survive.
To counteract this positive step in his life however, Maguire's latest role is in the soon-to-be released 'Brothers' as Captain Sam Cahill. He returns home from being presumed dead in Afghanistan to find out his brother is having an affair with his wife (or so he thinks).
This is UTTER shit - the plot is complete wank and the actors are as well!!! It just goes to show that the Iraq war was a complete mistake. So far, not one decent action/war movie has come out of it! Why do producers still insist on making movies about this 'war' - it's not like Vietnam from which we got 'Platoon' and 'Tropic Thunder'. The chances of a good Iraq war film being made are only equivalent to those of George Bush actually discovering WMDs.
Labour Manifesto 'to be most radical in recent times'
Well, that's a complete joke. After his recent 'Never Stop Believing' speech which sounded like he was just misquoting Journey, Gordon Brown has decided that his general election manifesto will be the "most radical programme" that Labour has offered in recent times.
It's too late Brown! Give up! Labour aren't radical, that is why they hold the centre ground. The Nationalist Socialist Party were radical and if that is what Brown is promising then I think I can safely say that he will only secure the votes of the BNP. That some of the Labour Party deem the election "winnable" despite the Tory's lead in the polls just goes to show how deluded they are.
This news on the manifesto comes after a recent attempt on Brown's party leadership in which Labour MPs were invited by former ministers Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt to to hold a secret ballot on the Prime Minister's performance. The plot failed when it did not get high-level support and because Gordon Brown used to play rugby. Meanwhile, Business Secretary Lord Mandelson payed tribute to Mr Brown's resilience and strong leadership in defeating this coup. Well he would wouldn't he because he is gay!
I have a distinct feeling though that this article was a joke because it finished up by saying that "Chancellor Alistair Darling said the economy would be central to the campaign and he would be leading an attack on the Tories' economic policies". Unfortunately for Labour, it is exactly because of the economy that their support is dwindling seeing as under Brown's rule, we are currently in the worst depression that Britain has seen for years. Coincedence? No. Brown screwed things up as Blair's chancellor and when he became Prime Minister, Darling carried on his alarmingly effective work. Therefore, Labour are showing just how incompetent they are by attacking one of their oppostition's strongest points in their death throws.
Finally, a word on Alistair Darling. Why anybody trusts this man to be in charge of a teabag, let alone the economy, is beyond me. His hair and eyebrows don't match, I mean what is with that? Apart from the fact that he will re-incarnate as a Zebra (or a badger), frankly he looks ridiculous. Thus, one would wonder why on earth Brown would include him in his cabinet until you remember that he is partially blind.
Ron Jeremy says violent video games 'worse' than porn
SHOCK!!! HORROR!!! A pornstar trying to justify pornography's morality? That's unheard of?!
Of course I'm being sarcastic. This is just the sort of typical thing that the fat, ugly bastard would come out with. His recent remarks caused a stir in the gaming community who paused their games for a brief moment to Twitter obscenities about Jeremy.
His comments were ridiculous though. The ordinary sane child may play Call Of Duty 6 but doesn't then go outside and re-enact what they have just played. It is the same for most 'violent' action games. Sure there are some that are perhaps undesirable such as the game 'Manhunt' which was banned but that was the correct thing to do. It is only really in America that on the very rare occasion, a student (often an Asian emo) snaps and commits a high-school massacre. I don't feel that this can really be blamed on violent 'games' however, but instead on their mental incapability.
However, I think it is preposterous that the person figure-heading the campaign against violent games at the moment is none other than Ron Jeremy who himself has made over 2000 appearances in pornographic movies. When he descibes these games as 'worse' than porn, it is quite fair to say therefore that he has no small amount of bias in the matter. If we want anyone's opinion, it shouldn't be his. To be honest I would rather my future children indulge themselves in 'violent' games then on porn, it would certainly cut down on paper wastage.
I think I speak for everyone when I say "Whoopee Shit!". US actor Tobey Maguire and director Sam Raimi will not be returning for a fourth film in the hit Spider-Man franchise, it has been announced. Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios said a new film would be released in 2012, but with a new story, director and cast.
It isn't that I dislike Spider-man. I don't and I hope that these big changes will bring a fresh new start to this movie franchise. I do, however, dislike Tobey Maguire. He did for Peter Parker what Elijah Wood did for Frodo and Viggo Mortensen did for Aragorn. Made him WET WET WET. Put Maguire's Spider-man in 'Watchmen' and he wouldn't have lasted two seconds.
No, Tobey Maguire was certainly not hero material and I think it is just as well that he has ended his part in the Spider-Man movies. As for Rosemary Harris who plays Parker's extrememly annoying Aunt May, I can only hope she is entered into an episode of 'Celebrity Wipeout' and doesn't survive.
To counteract this positive step in his life however, Maguire's latest role is in the soon-to-be released 'Brothers' as Captain Sam Cahill. He returns home from being presumed dead in Afghanistan to find out his brother is having an affair with his wife (or so he thinks).
This is UTTER shit - the plot is complete wank and the actors are as well!!! It just goes to show that the Iraq war was a complete mistake. So far, not one decent action/war movie has come out of it! Why do producers still insist on making movies about this 'war' - it's not like Vietnam from which we got 'Platoon' and 'Tropic Thunder'. The chances of a good Iraq war film being made are only equivalent to those of George Bush actually discovering WMDs.
Labour Manifesto 'to be most radical in recent times'
Well, that's a complete joke. After his recent 'Never Stop Believing' speech which sounded like he was just misquoting Journey, Gordon Brown has decided that his general election manifesto will be the "most radical programme" that Labour has offered in recent times.
It's too late Brown! Give up! Labour aren't radical, that is why they hold the centre ground. The Nationalist Socialist Party were radical and if that is what Brown is promising then I think I can safely say that he will only secure the votes of the BNP. That some of the Labour Party deem the election "winnable" despite the Tory's lead in the polls just goes to show how deluded they are.
This news on the manifesto comes after a recent attempt on Brown's party leadership in which Labour MPs were invited by former ministers Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt to to hold a secret ballot on the Prime Minister's performance. The plot failed when it did not get high-level support and because Gordon Brown used to play rugby. Meanwhile, Business Secretary Lord Mandelson payed tribute to Mr Brown's resilience and strong leadership in defeating this coup. Well he would wouldn't he because he is gay!
I have a distinct feeling though that this article was a joke because it finished up by saying that "Chancellor Alistair Darling said the economy would be central to the campaign and he would be leading an attack on the Tories' economic policies". Unfortunately for Labour, it is exactly because of the economy that their support is dwindling seeing as under Brown's rule, we are currently in the worst depression that Britain has seen for years. Coincedence? No. Brown screwed things up as Blair's chancellor and when he became Prime Minister, Darling carried on his alarmingly effective work. Therefore, Labour are showing just how incompetent they are by attacking one of their oppostition's strongest points in their death throws.
Finally, a word on Alistair Darling. Why anybody trusts this man to be in charge of a teabag, let alone the economy, is beyond me. His hair and eyebrows don't match, I mean what is with that? Apart from the fact that he will re-incarnate as a Zebra (or a badger), frankly he looks ridiculous. Thus, one would wonder why on earth Brown would include him in his cabinet until you remember that he is partially blind.
Ron Jeremy says violent video games 'worse' than porn
SHOCK!!! HORROR!!! A pornstar trying to justify pornography's morality? That's unheard of?!
Of course I'm being sarcastic. This is just the sort of typical thing that the fat, ugly bastard would come out with. His recent remarks caused a stir in the gaming community who paused their games for a brief moment to Twitter obscenities about Jeremy.
His comments were ridiculous though. The ordinary sane child may play Call Of Duty 6 but doesn't then go outside and re-enact what they have just played. It is the same for most 'violent' action games. Sure there are some that are perhaps undesirable such as the game 'Manhunt' which was banned but that was the correct thing to do. It is only really in America that on the very rare occasion, a student (often an Asian emo) snaps and commits a high-school massacre. I don't feel that this can really be blamed on violent 'games' however, but instead on their mental incapability.
However, I think it is preposterous that the person figure-heading the campaign against violent games at the moment is none other than Ron Jeremy who himself has made over 2000 appearances in pornographic movies. When he descibes these games as 'worse' than porn, it is quite fair to say therefore that he has no small amount of bias in the matter. If we want anyone's opinion, it shouldn't be his. To be honest I would rather my future children indulge themselves in 'violent' games then on porn, it would certainly cut down on paper wastage.
In today's news...
Man offers his tongue to Gods
Which narrows our choice of religions down to about two; Scientology and Hinduism.
A childless Indian man sliced off his tongue as an offering to the god Shiva in the hope of becoming a father. He has been left with the vocal capability of Sylvester Stallone. Obviously he wasn't the brightest of Hindus othewise he might instead have tried praying to their god Brahma - the creator. Secondly, Doofus Patel (as I've christenend him) also didn't realise that cutting out his tongue isn't going to make him any luckier with the ladies. In fact quite the opposite...apart from looking hideous, he will be lacking what women would consider one of the more important muscles.
Unfortunately, Mr. Patel was unable to comment on this news story.
Alcohol abuse 'costs every Scot £900 a year'
"Alcohol misuse could be costing every adult in Scotland £900 every year, according to a new report.
York University economists said the problem may be costing taxpayers between £2.4bn and £4.6bn.
The Scottish government said the research strengthened its argument for minimum alcohol pricing.
Ministers do not have enough support to get the plan through parliament, with opposition parties saying it could be illegal under European competition law."
There are obvioulsy a few problems with this news article which highlight some of the more common problems with today's reporting.
1.The rest of the article was so boring I didn't bother reading on.
2. Notice how the headline is utter certainty (or a lie). The first paragraph then introduces an element of doubt in that it IS NOT in fact 'every Scot' whom it costs £900 as a result of alcohol abuse. The second paragraph then gets even more sceptical in that some insignificant economists somewhere stated that it "MAY BE costing taxpayers". Plus taxpayers cuts down the number of adults again and seeing as this is Scotland we are talking about, and they hate the English, it SIGNIFICANTLY decreases the number of people whom alcohol abuse effects. Finally, the last paragraph shows that the article itself was a nothing-story because MP's tried to impose minimum alcohol pricing but were strongly opposed, mainly by Scottish political parties.
Therefore we have established that only a few Scots are effected by alcohol abuse, that it doesn't in fact cost them each £900 a year and that something almost happened but in the end it didn't. I've got to applaud the BBC, it's thrilling stuff.
3. The Scots themselves don't see it as 'alcohol abuse'; to them a £900 drinking binge is in fact just a good night out.
Which narrows our choice of religions down to about two; Scientology and Hinduism.
A childless Indian man sliced off his tongue as an offering to the god Shiva in the hope of becoming a father. He has been left with the vocal capability of Sylvester Stallone. Obviously he wasn't the brightest of Hindus othewise he might instead have tried praying to their god Brahma - the creator. Secondly, Doofus Patel (as I've christenend him) also didn't realise that cutting out his tongue isn't going to make him any luckier with the ladies. In fact quite the opposite...apart from looking hideous, he will be lacking what women would consider one of the more important muscles.
Unfortunately, Mr. Patel was unable to comment on this news story.
Alcohol abuse 'costs every Scot £900 a year'
"Alcohol misuse could be costing every adult in Scotland £900 every year, according to a new report.
York University economists said the problem may be costing taxpayers between £2.4bn and £4.6bn.
The Scottish government said the research strengthened its argument for minimum alcohol pricing.
Ministers do not have enough support to get the plan through parliament, with opposition parties saying it could be illegal under European competition law."
There are obvioulsy a few problems with this news article which highlight some of the more common problems with today's reporting.
1.The rest of the article was so boring I didn't bother reading on.
2. Notice how the headline is utter certainty (or a lie). The first paragraph then introduces an element of doubt in that it IS NOT in fact 'every Scot' whom it costs £900 as a result of alcohol abuse. The second paragraph then gets even more sceptical in that some insignificant economists somewhere stated that it "MAY BE costing taxpayers". Plus taxpayers cuts down the number of adults again and seeing as this is Scotland we are talking about, and they hate the English, it SIGNIFICANTLY decreases the number of people whom alcohol abuse effects. Finally, the last paragraph shows that the article itself was a nothing-story because MP's tried to impose minimum alcohol pricing but were strongly opposed, mainly by Scottish political parties.
Therefore we have established that only a few Scots are effected by alcohol abuse, that it doesn't in fact cost them each £900 a year and that something almost happened but in the end it didn't. I've got to applaud the BBC, it's thrilling stuff.
3. The Scots themselves don't see it as 'alcohol abuse'; to them a £900 drinking binge is in fact just a good night out.
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Cold Montana
I couldn't believe my luck!! The Hannah Montana show is to be terminated come March 2011! Of course it won't completely have gone...just by that time it will have downsized into low grade 'Blue' movies - still starring Miley Cyrus of course.
The show itself has a plot about as convincing and heart-warming as High School Musical. I dread to think what Disney will replace it with but at this point in time I'm thinking pretty much anything will be better than Hannah Montana.
People will live longer. Parents won't be driven insane by listening to her music incessantly on long drives with their children. There will be less child-abuse because parents won't have so much pent-up rage inside of them and thus won't release it on their kids because they don't have access to Ms. Cyrus. The war in Iraq will cease and AIDS will be a thing of the past; come March 2011.
Martin Luther-King had a dream ladies and gentlemen...and it's finally going to be realised.
There is, however, a cloudy lining to our silver. Miley Cyrus is to appear as herself in the upcoming
shit-flick 'Sex and the City 2'. As if she couldn't make any more mistakes in her life - well she proved them wrong!
The show itself has a plot about as convincing and heart-warming as High School Musical. I dread to think what Disney will replace it with but at this point in time I'm thinking pretty much anything will be better than Hannah Montana.
People will live longer. Parents won't be driven insane by listening to her music incessantly on long drives with their children. There will be less child-abuse because parents won't have so much pent-up rage inside of them and thus won't release it on their kids because they don't have access to Ms. Cyrus. The war in Iraq will cease and AIDS will be a thing of the past; come March 2011.
Martin Luther-King had a dream ladies and gentlemen...and it's finally going to be realised.
There is, however, a cloudy lining to our silver. Miley Cyrus is to appear as herself in the upcoming
shit-flick 'Sex and the City 2'. As if she couldn't make any more mistakes in her life - well she proved them wrong!
In today's news...
'No news is good news' some say. And if it is news about the plane-crash in the Andes and your mother-in-law was on board the flight then I can agree with the previous statement. However, at the moment, no news is bad news for me. In my cooped up situation as I battle with my coursework, the news is all that is connecting me to the outside world!!! However, I shall do my best. (If you are wondering, I have used the word 'news' 7 times. 8 if you count the title.).
Snow gives Scottish economy a boost
What? Because they've just changed their currency to snow and now everyone is bloody rich? The only way the Scot's economy will ever be boosted is if England gets an economic boom OR there is an uprising in Scotland and they take back all of their oil. But then of course they'd just be back in 20 years having used up all the oil in the
production of irn bru.
Apparently though, the reason for the so called boost is that Cairngorm Mountain has received its best covering of snow in years - therefore it has attracted lots of people going out to enjoy the slopes.
That's not an economic boost. Calling some extra people going skiing an 'economic boost' is like calling 'Celebrity Wipeout' the Holocaust. Or less controversially, labelling weed as a Class B drug.
Aside from that though, I did enjoy seeing some of the other headlines today.
England went with 'Afghan bomb kills Mirror reporter' and 'Two charged after Heathrow alert'. Ireland went with 'Concern over prostate cancer test' and 'Iris Robinson receiving treatment'.
All very important issues.
Meanwhile, the main stories in Wales were 'Snow predicted overnight in Wales' and 'Warning to stay off frozen ponds'.
Snow gives Scottish economy a boost
What? Because they've just changed their currency to snow and now everyone is bloody rich? The only way the Scot's economy will ever be boosted is if England gets an economic boom OR there is an uprising in Scotland and they take back all of their oil. But then of course they'd just be back in 20 years having used up all the oil in the
production of irn bru.
Apparently though, the reason for the so called boost is that Cairngorm Mountain has received its best covering of snow in years - therefore it has attracted lots of people going out to enjoy the slopes.
That's not an economic boost. Calling some extra people going skiing an 'economic boost' is like calling 'Celebrity Wipeout' the Holocaust. Or less controversially, labelling weed as a Class B drug.
Aside from that though, I did enjoy seeing some of the other headlines today.
England went with 'Afghan bomb kills Mirror reporter' and 'Two charged after Heathrow alert'. Ireland went with 'Concern over prostate cancer test' and 'Iris Robinson receiving treatment'.
All very important issues.
Meanwhile, the main stories in Wales were 'Snow predicted overnight in Wales' and 'Warning to stay off frozen ponds'.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
In today's news...
Teenager admits microwaving hamster
Obviously with the weather being frozen, the news has followed suit. Hence the above headline. A teenager has admitted cooking his hamster and is now being crucified in court by the RSPCA.
There are so many things I don't get about this. Cooking hamsters is one effective way of getting rid of vermin - no one would have complained had the victim been a rat or Jedward. It's also a neat idea for eating cheaply - instead of buying a calf or piglet and nurturing them until they are ready to be slaughtered (and burning through a fortune) you can simply buy some hamsters at the food/pet store and probably cook them in a much quicker time.
People also seem to be focussing on the 'crime' that was the 16 year old's 'murder' of a creature when in fact the real crime was that against cuisine. No mention was made of any sauces in which the hamster was cooked in, leading me to suspect that he was just prepared on his own which is in itself a heinous act. If you are going to microwave a creature, do it properly and preferably with vegetables. Gravy is good too.
Furthermore, where do the RSPCA get off in bringing charges against an innocent starving immigrant child? I certainly don't support cruelty to animals (unless it is Alvin and The Chipmunks) but I do think that in some sense too much attention and respect is given to this organisation when we should instead be upholding the value of HUMAN life. The RSPCA don't seem to care that they are getting this boy in trouble (for the crime of preparing himself a meal) in defence of a hamster. Surely humans come first. At this point I would like to quote two very respected philosophers - Bret McKenzie and Jermaine Clement - who highlighted that;
"There's children on the streets using guns and knives, taking drugs and each other's lives, killing each other using knives and forks and calling each other names like dork. There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys...I saw a man lying on the street half dead, he had knives and forks sticking out of his leg. He said, 'Ahh ahh ahh ahhhhhhhhwww can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please, ooh, could somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees!".
Evidently then there are many worse problems going on in the world such as murder, rape, war, drug addiction - is it not right that all efforts by organisations should be put into solving/stopping these rather than prosecuting so-called 'animal abusers'?? On top of that, if animals such as rats, pigeons and monkeys are giving humans diseases, they are obviously a threat that should be exterminated.
Finally, when I actually read the article (having seen the headline first), I was deeply saddened to discover that the hamster itself was not, in fact, a member of G-force. I only hope that there are others like this teenager, who have more success in the hunting down of the Wibberley's regretable creations.
Obviously with the weather being frozen, the news has followed suit. Hence the above headline. A teenager has admitted cooking his hamster and is now being crucified in court by the RSPCA.
There are so many things I don't get about this. Cooking hamsters is one effective way of getting rid of vermin - no one would have complained had the victim been a rat or Jedward. It's also a neat idea for eating cheaply - instead of buying a calf or piglet and nurturing them until they are ready to be slaughtered (and burning through a fortune) you can simply buy some hamsters at the food/pet store and probably cook them in a much quicker time.
People also seem to be focussing on the 'crime' that was the 16 year old's 'murder' of a creature when in fact the real crime was that against cuisine. No mention was made of any sauces in which the hamster was cooked in, leading me to suspect that he was just prepared on his own which is in itself a heinous act. If you are going to microwave a creature, do it properly and preferably with vegetables. Gravy is good too.
Furthermore, where do the RSPCA get off in bringing charges against an innocent starving immigrant child? I certainly don't support cruelty to animals (unless it is Alvin and The Chipmunks) but I do think that in some sense too much attention and respect is given to this organisation when we should instead be upholding the value of HUMAN life. The RSPCA don't seem to care that they are getting this boy in trouble (for the crime of preparing himself a meal) in defence of a hamster. Surely humans come first. At this point I would like to quote two very respected philosophers - Bret McKenzie and Jermaine Clement - who highlighted that;
"There's children on the streets using guns and knives, taking drugs and each other's lives, killing each other using knives and forks and calling each other names like dork. There's people on the street getting diseases from monkeys...I saw a man lying on the street half dead, he had knives and forks sticking out of his leg. He said, 'Ahh ahh ahh ahhhhhhhhwww can somebody get the knife and fork out of my leg, please, ooh, could somebody please remove these cutleries from my knees!".
Evidently then there are many worse problems going on in the world such as murder, rape, war, drug addiction - is it not right that all efforts by organisations should be put into solving/stopping these rather than prosecuting so-called 'animal abusers'?? On top of that, if animals such as rats, pigeons and monkeys are giving humans diseases, they are obviously a threat that should be exterminated.
Finally, when I actually read the article (having seen the headline first), I was deeply saddened to discover that the hamster itself was not, in fact, a member of G-force. I only hope that there are others like this teenager, who have more success in the hunting down of the Wibberley's regretable creations.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
In today's news continued...
Firstly, can I just write a small disclaimer - I would prefer to be doing satire on celebrities or politicians. However, news in those areas is scarce and besides, it's hard to resist a story such as the following.
Man with genitals in pipe cut free
A man who went to casualty with his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder. Medics at Southampton General Hospital could not get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become aroused, so they called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service. They turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help in what a spokesman said was a "delicate operation".
The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch grinder to cut the pipe from around the man's penis and it took about 30 minutes. The patient was given an anaesthetic and his penis was left bruised and swollen but otherwise unharmed. The anxious man, aged about 40, gave hospital staff no explanation about how the pipe got stuck after he turned up on Tuesday morning.
A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: "Initially the crew did not have the appropriate cutting equipment to free the man.
"It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.
"It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again."
*********************************************************************************
Now, that was the article. here are my thoughts.
1. Look at all the innuendo used in this article - whoever wrote it must have been having the time of their lives: "four and a half inches", "steady hand", "special equipment" and "too hot" to name a few.
2. Why is the man's age important? Either tell us his name as well so he can be fully ridiculed or don't disclose any details!! When we look at his age are we meant to think ' good to see the old guy's still got it in him'?
3. It doesn't take seven firemen to extract a penis from a metal pipe - they were obviously just there because they were bored and wanted some entertainment.
4. This is meant to be an actual news article, not a smutty porn story. Therefore, don't say "the restricted blood flow had caused it to become aroused"!! Contrary to many women's beliefs, penis' don't have a mind of their own. The writer should have instead used 'erect' instead of "aroused". It at least reduces the sexual nature of this article a little.
5. Finally, the news story concludes with "I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again!". I beg to disagree. The man was having sex with a metal pipe. The operation of seperating his penis from the pole probably served to arouse him even more. Obviously he is of a more mystical and masichistic sexual persuasion and I doubt it will be long before he is back in A&E.
Man with genitals in pipe cut free
A man who went to casualty with his penis stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by firefighters using a metal grinder. Medics at Southampton General Hospital could not get the man's penis out of the stainless steel pipe because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become aroused, so they called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service. They turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary's station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help in what a spokesman said was a "delicate operation".
The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch grinder to cut the pipe from around the man's penis and it took about 30 minutes. The patient was given an anaesthetic and his penis was left bruised and swollen but otherwise unharmed. The anxious man, aged about 40, gave hospital staff no explanation about how the pipe got stuck after he turned up on Tuesday morning.
A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: "Initially the crew did not have the appropriate cutting equipment to free the man.
"It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.
"It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again."
*********************************************************************************
Now, that was the article. here are my thoughts.
1. Look at all the innuendo used in this article - whoever wrote it must have been having the time of their lives: "four and a half inches", "steady hand", "special equipment" and "too hot" to name a few.
2. Why is the man's age important? Either tell us his name as well so he can be fully ridiculed or don't disclose any details!! When we look at his age are we meant to think ' good to see the old guy's still got it in him'?
3. It doesn't take seven firemen to extract a penis from a metal pipe - they were obviously just there because they were bored and wanted some entertainment.
4. This is meant to be an actual news article, not a smutty porn story. Therefore, don't say "the restricted blood flow had caused it to become aroused"!! Contrary to many women's beliefs, penis' don't have a mind of their own. The writer should have instead used 'erect' instead of "aroused". It at least reduces the sexual nature of this article a little.
5. Finally, the news story concludes with "I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again!". I beg to disagree. The man was having sex with a metal pipe. The operation of seperating his penis from the pole probably served to arouse him even more. Obviously he is of a more mystical and masichistic sexual persuasion and I doubt it will be long before he is back in A&E.
In today's news...
Stronger toilet for obese patients
Yes, that's right. An extra-strong toilet which can cope with morbidly obese patients weighing up to 70 stones has been introduced at a hospital. This reinforced steel toilet is reportedly still in the prototype stage with manufacturer Armitage Shanks and has now been installed on a new 23-bay ward at Lincoln County Hospital. Lincolnshire Hospitals NHS Trust said it had bought an extra-wide bed for the £2.8 million ward. The bed can also cope with a patient weighing 70 stones and comes complete with hoists and pulleys.
Sorry, but I didn't realise that hospitals were now catering to ELEPHANTS!!! Has the NHS run out of ordinary humans to kill and is now inducting animals into its sick bays? Perhaps that is how they make up the numbers to claim for their Government funding.
Seriously though, what human weighs 70 stone? That is 980 pounds. I mean it is nice to know that Lincolnshire hospital can now exclusively cater to Dawn French. However, that sort of weight is mind-boggling. Do people that obese even use the toilet (therefore making it necessary to install these new ones which are made of the same material that bridge builers use). I would have thought that these patients would simply wear nappies, probably made from upside down family-sized tents with the bottom cut out and an extra doorway inserted. The added bonus is these would be water-proof...
If you're weighing in at around 70 stone, you're not going to get up to use the toilet. No, that requires too much effort. Instead you're going to be like Mr. Creosote and just projectile vomit into a bucket. And imagine one of these people actually sitting on a normal human toilet? The effect would be something like what happens in 'Home Alone 3' - the toilet vanishes into the floor and the plumbing bursts everywhere.
Hospitals shouldn't be treating people that heavy. Instead they should be sending them to Africa to feed the starving. And the re-inforced toilets? Why, give them to Chuck Norris of course...
Yes, that's right. An extra-strong toilet which can cope with morbidly obese patients weighing up to 70 stones has been introduced at a hospital. This reinforced steel toilet is reportedly still in the prototype stage with manufacturer Armitage Shanks and has now been installed on a new 23-bay ward at Lincoln County Hospital. Lincolnshire Hospitals NHS Trust said it had bought an extra-wide bed for the £2.8 million ward. The bed can also cope with a patient weighing 70 stones and comes complete with hoists and pulleys.
Sorry, but I didn't realise that hospitals were now catering to ELEPHANTS!!! Has the NHS run out of ordinary humans to kill and is now inducting animals into its sick bays? Perhaps that is how they make up the numbers to claim for their Government funding.
Seriously though, what human weighs 70 stone? That is 980 pounds. I mean it is nice to know that Lincolnshire hospital can now exclusively cater to Dawn French. However, that sort of weight is mind-boggling. Do people that obese even use the toilet (therefore making it necessary to install these new ones which are made of the same material that bridge builers use). I would have thought that these patients would simply wear nappies, probably made from upside down family-sized tents with the bottom cut out and an extra doorway inserted. The added bonus is these would be water-proof...
If you're weighing in at around 70 stone, you're not going to get up to use the toilet. No, that requires too much effort. Instead you're going to be like Mr. Creosote and just projectile vomit into a bucket. And imagine one of these people actually sitting on a normal human toilet? The effect would be something like what happens in 'Home Alone 3' - the toilet vanishes into the floor and the plumbing bursts everywhere.
Hospitals shouldn't be treating people that heavy. Instead they should be sending them to Africa to feed the starving. And the re-inforced toilets? Why, give them to Chuck Norris of course...
The day after tomorrow...
Those of you who know me better must have been worried for my sanity when you read my last post and saw that I had made soup instead of meat for myself to eat.
Let me reassure you that I am as insane as ever (and still a carnivore). It is just that we are recording record lows in the temperature here at the moment; it is -18 degrees. With this in mind I decided to go for something which I thought would warm me all the way through seeing as I don't drink tea or coffee.
When I heard how low the temperature was and kicked through the snow outside I did cast my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life so far - the day on which I was misfortunate enough to watch 'The Day After Tomorrow'! This film was the 'Sex and the City' of apocalypse movies - it was so depressingly bad I felt the urge to enter the movie myself with some sort of automatic weapon and end everyone's misery. If things are that bad people, just give up and die!!! Don't hide in libraries and walk through blizzards. But enough ranting about this movie, that is not the point of this post.
It is ridiculously cold and one does wonder how many old people will indeed make it through this Winter season, which by all rights should have ended with Christmas because (let's face it) it is the UK. It may be that I will actually have to wear a coat and dig out a hat and scarf and such.
People are getting sent home from work and many schools have shut themselves down because they lack enough salt to make their walkways safe. No-one is complaining. I just wish that I was back at work or still in school so I could enjoy these effects of the weather.
Let me reassure you that I am as insane as ever (and still a carnivore). It is just that we are recording record lows in the temperature here at the moment; it is -18 degrees. With this in mind I decided to go for something which I thought would warm me all the way through seeing as I don't drink tea or coffee.
When I heard how low the temperature was and kicked through the snow outside I did cast my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life so far - the day on which I was misfortunate enough to watch 'The Day After Tomorrow'! This film was the 'Sex and the City' of apocalypse movies - it was so depressingly bad I felt the urge to enter the movie myself with some sort of automatic weapon and end everyone's misery. If things are that bad people, just give up and die!!! Don't hide in libraries and walk through blizzards. But enough ranting about this movie, that is not the point of this post.
It is ridiculously cold and one does wonder how many old people will indeed make it through this Winter season, which by all rights should have ended with Christmas because (let's face it) it is the UK. It may be that I will actually have to wear a coat and dig out a hat and scarf and such.
People are getting sent home from work and many schools have shut themselves down because they lack enough salt to make their walkways safe. No-one is complaining. I just wish that I was back at work or still in school so I could enjoy these effects of the weather.
Cup-a-soup:- Just add soup.
In answer to the cold today, I decided to make myself a hot beverage for the first time in ages. As I searched through the cupboards, my eyes fixed on a box of Cup-a-soup. Having never tried this variety of instant soup before I figured I would give it a go.
I had the most horrendous case of 'liquid stomach' not 2 hours later - undoubtably caused by the mess I had slurped earlier. My first clue should have been in the fact that the instant soup came in the form of a powder which had an uncanny resemblance to powdered laxative. In fact that is what it basically was - preparation for a colonoscopy with 'vegetables' in it.
So if 'Golden Vegetable' gives you the shits, I dread to think what the other 'flavours' do. AIDs, herpes and arthritis all spring to mind. My advice...stay away from this unholy dirt and only drink soup from a can (if you have to).
I had the most horrendous case of 'liquid stomach' not 2 hours later - undoubtably caused by the mess I had slurped earlier. My first clue should have been in the fact that the instant soup came in the form of a powder which had an uncanny resemblance to powdered laxative. In fact that is what it basically was - preparation for a colonoscopy with 'vegetables' in it.
So if 'Golden Vegetable' gives you the shits, I dread to think what the other 'flavours' do. AIDs, herpes and arthritis all spring to mind. My advice...stay away from this unholy dirt and only drink soup from a can (if you have to).
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Harry Potter and the Return of the God-Awful Sequels
Nothing to do with Harry Potter.
I was recently unfortunate enough to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks. As the bile rose in my throat I comforted myself with the thought that that would be the last I would see of those detestable vermin. Little did I know that God had other plans. I do understand the appeal of cute cuddly creatures - many kids films centre around them nowadays and animation can do wonders.
However, Tim Hill obviously lost a wager to the devil and was left with a film about three chipmunks whose voices are about as soothing and attractive as Crazy Frog's. Not taking the hint after having made the first one, he then made a sequel. As if this wasn't bad enough, he has doubled the number of vermin!!! And they're female! No prizes for guessing the outcome - the chipmunks will have sex and BAM, Tim Hill has the makings of a trilogy about the demonic offspring of the bestial union.
I am also saddened because I quite like Jason Lee and yet I now feel that this franchise has ruined his credibility. He'll have to be in another Kevin Smith movie to recover.
But that isn't all!!! As if 'not knowing a good time to stop' has become a virus that has spread around Hollywood, there is to be a 'Sex and the City 2'. Oh dear God.
Buddy Holly wrote that he "saw Satan laughing with delight the day the music died". I dread to think what he will be doing on the day this sequel is released. The first installment sullied the good name of crap...is it possible to sink any lower? Well Sarah Jessica Parker and her overwhelming masculinity are striving to find out.
The only way in which I could at all look forward to this movie would be if the trailer began with "From the makers of Saw comes Sex and the City 2..."
I was recently unfortunate enough to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks. As the bile rose in my throat I comforted myself with the thought that that would be the last I would see of those detestable vermin. Little did I know that God had other plans. I do understand the appeal of cute cuddly creatures - many kids films centre around them nowadays and animation can do wonders.
However, Tim Hill obviously lost a wager to the devil and was left with a film about three chipmunks whose voices are about as soothing and attractive as Crazy Frog's. Not taking the hint after having made the first one, he then made a sequel. As if this wasn't bad enough, he has doubled the number of vermin!!! And they're female! No prizes for guessing the outcome - the chipmunks will have sex and BAM, Tim Hill has the makings of a trilogy about the demonic offspring of the bestial union.
I am also saddened because I quite like Jason Lee and yet I now feel that this franchise has ruined his credibility. He'll have to be in another Kevin Smith movie to recover.
But that isn't all!!! As if 'not knowing a good time to stop' has become a virus that has spread around Hollywood, there is to be a 'Sex and the City 2'. Oh dear God.
Buddy Holly wrote that he "saw Satan laughing with delight the day the music died". I dread to think what he will be doing on the day this sequel is released. The first installment sullied the good name of crap...is it possible to sink any lower? Well Sarah Jessica Parker and her overwhelming masculinity are striving to find out.
The only way in which I could at all look forward to this movie would be if the trailer began with "From the makers of Saw comes Sex and the City 2..."
Breaking and Entering
So I've always been faced with a connundrum in terms of when you are using the toilet and someone tries to force open the door and then knocks. Your preoccupation is probably the lowest of human lows - when we are at out most undignified and engaged in the basest of activities.
What do you say??? "Come in and know me better man!"?
I mean, don't people know the toilet is occupied? I may shit very very quietly but you think the closed door would give them an inkling as to the nature of the activities being carried out inside.
And then, don't you knock first if the door is shut? Instead of trying to break it open and in the process scaring the living daylights out of whoever is relieving themselves? This must play havoc with nervous pooh-ers.
I've always adopted the approach that I think a lot of people must take - that when this happens you keep deathly silent until the offending personage realises their mistake and exits amid a stream of muttered curses.
What makes this crime doubly heinous is when both parties know that there is an empty toilet downstairs and this whole awkward situation could be avoided.
What do you say??? "Come in and know me better man!"?
I mean, don't people know the toilet is occupied? I may shit very very quietly but you think the closed door would give them an inkling as to the nature of the activities being carried out inside.
And then, don't you knock first if the door is shut? Instead of trying to break it open and in the process scaring the living daylights out of whoever is relieving themselves? This must play havoc with nervous pooh-ers.
I've always adopted the approach that I think a lot of people must take - that when this happens you keep deathly silent until the offending personage realises their mistake and exits amid a stream of muttered curses.
What makes this crime doubly heinous is when both parties know that there is an empty toilet downstairs and this whole awkward situation could be avoided.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
In today's news continued...
So, I've realised my mistake - I looked for news on the BBC website when actually I should have been reading MSN's version of current affairs which is what I will do from now on.
Policeman faces 'church sex' claims
Apparently a German police officer has been suspended from duty after being caught having sex during a church service. Surprise surprise it was a Catholic church and yet the policeman wasn't actually an altar boy dressed up.
How do you punish someone for this sort of offence though? The copper faces 'possible' disciplinary action as well as a criminal complaint for disturbing religious activities. And yet isn't sex life-affirming and God-given?
Of course I'm making light of a very serious issue. It's just that if I were the Judge, I would go pretty light on the man knowing that what God has in store for him is probably going to pretty terrible. On his tombstone will be written "Lightning never strikes twice...until January 6th 2010 when it struck so many times that we didn't even need to cremate him".
'Fatties' kicked off dating website
This was a 'nothing' news story - sadly typical of MSN and yet amusing nonetheless. 5000 fatties were kicked off a dating website for eating too much over Christmas and losing their looks. They had also eaten their blind dates but that's beside the point.
This dating website - BeautifulPeople.com - kicked the 5000 off it's website because it has a very strict policy against ugly people.
Firstly, I blame Jesus. Not because he made people fat, but because he was responsible for feeding the 5000 and thus for their rejection from BeautifulPeople.com.
Secondly, this dating website must be pretty retarded if it doesn't realise that by disqualifying these fatties it is shooting itself in the foot seeing as good-looking people usually don't have trouble getting dates, it's the uggos that you need to take care of.
According to sources, the 5000 immediately joined the weight-watchers website which subsequently crashed.
Policeman faces 'church sex' claims
Apparently a German police officer has been suspended from duty after being caught having sex during a church service. Surprise surprise it was a Catholic church and yet the policeman wasn't actually an altar boy dressed up.
How do you punish someone for this sort of offence though? The copper faces 'possible' disciplinary action as well as a criminal complaint for disturbing religious activities. And yet isn't sex life-affirming and God-given?
Of course I'm making light of a very serious issue. It's just that if I were the Judge, I would go pretty light on the man knowing that what God has in store for him is probably going to pretty terrible. On his tombstone will be written "Lightning never strikes twice...until January 6th 2010 when it struck so many times that we didn't even need to cremate him".
'Fatties' kicked off dating website
This was a 'nothing' news story - sadly typical of MSN and yet amusing nonetheless. 5000 fatties were kicked off a dating website for eating too much over Christmas and losing their looks. They had also eaten their blind dates but that's beside the point.
This dating website - BeautifulPeople.com - kicked the 5000 off it's website because it has a very strict policy against ugly people.
Firstly, I blame Jesus. Not because he made people fat, but because he was responsible for feeding the 5000 and thus for their rejection from BeautifulPeople.com.
Secondly, this dating website must be pretty retarded if it doesn't realise that by disqualifying these fatties it is shooting itself in the foot seeing as good-looking people usually don't have trouble getting dates, it's the uggos that you need to take care of.
According to sources, the 5000 immediately joined the weight-watchers website which subsequently crashed.
Maffu
One of my future Godchildren's parents, Matthew Dick, writes a very interesting blog for anyone with an interest in Christianity and an IQ of over 140. This is just a shout out for it.
www.moreaboutthetone.blogspot.com
Check it out! Don't tell me what you think though, I'm not the slightest bit interested.
www.moreaboutthetone.blogspot.com
Check it out! Don't tell me what you think though, I'm not the slightest bit interested.
In today's news...
Well lets start with this.
Ashley Cole guilty of speeding at 104mph
The article is pretty much summed up by the title. My question is, can this man do nothing right? He leaves Arsenal, he cheats on a woman that many men (and some women of a questionable sexuality) would describe as perfect and now he is driving irresponsibly. He claimed that he was being chased by the paparazzi which forced him to drive at over double the speed limit in a 50mph zone. Of course this should remind everybody of someone else who travelled pretty fast because of the paparazzi and it is my sincere hope that their same fate awaits Mr. Cole.
Snow and ice cause travel chaos
Well no shit Sherlock. This doesn't count as news. It's common knowledge. Information like this should only appear on travel reports.
UK airports to introduce new bomb-detection equipment
This is a pretty big story at the moment. Basically, these new body scanners are being introduced to detect bombs that are attached to people or inserted in their crevices. All this extra bomb detection hype stems from an attempt by an Islamic extremist to blow up a plane on Christmas Day.
Clearly this shows that the occupation of Iraq has come to nothing. It's natives still don't understand how to celebrate Chrismas properly.
BAA has started to train its employees in behavioural analysis techniques which would be used to identify people requiring closer inspection. Instead they should just hire their workers solely from the BNP and supporters of Millwall FC. I guarantee you that any terrorist attempt after this had taken place would be caught on time and disposed of effectively. Plus, no more immigrants would get into the UK. Only positives can be drawn from my solution!
To be honest, the news was a bit boring today. Hopefully something ridiculous happens soon.
Ashley Cole guilty of speeding at 104mph
The article is pretty much summed up by the title. My question is, can this man do nothing right? He leaves Arsenal, he cheats on a woman that many men (and some women of a questionable sexuality) would describe as perfect and now he is driving irresponsibly. He claimed that he was being chased by the paparazzi which forced him to drive at over double the speed limit in a 50mph zone. Of course this should remind everybody of someone else who travelled pretty fast because of the paparazzi and it is my sincere hope that their same fate awaits Mr. Cole.
Snow and ice cause travel chaos
Well no shit Sherlock. This doesn't count as news. It's common knowledge. Information like this should only appear on travel reports.
UK airports to introduce new bomb-detection equipment
This is a pretty big story at the moment. Basically, these new body scanners are being introduced to detect bombs that are attached to people or inserted in their crevices. All this extra bomb detection hype stems from an attempt by an Islamic extremist to blow up a plane on Christmas Day.
Clearly this shows that the occupation of Iraq has come to nothing. It's natives still don't understand how to celebrate Chrismas properly.
BAA has started to train its employees in behavioural analysis techniques which would be used to identify people requiring closer inspection. Instead they should just hire their workers solely from the BNP and supporters of Millwall FC. I guarantee you that any terrorist attempt after this had taken place would be caught on time and disposed of effectively. Plus, no more immigrants would get into the UK. Only positives can be drawn from my solution!
To be honest, the news was a bit boring today. Hopefully something ridiculous happens soon.
The bloody, bitter start of it all.
Choose a font? No. Fuck off. I'm just going to start writing.
Somewhere, Nick Griffin is still humming 'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas'.
So I do actually have a diary but I did it for about two months and then other more important things took its place. Maybe this blogging will become my new diary...who knows. Who cares.
I've always been cautious to start a blog. To me previously, it seemed like a very sad thing to do for people who thought that others actually cared about their radical views on life. However, I've mellowed in my old age (and I also realised I was writing a diary) so I decided to start this malarkey. It's not to write much of importance, just to get rid of the extra little thoughts and craziness that linger in my mind taking up valuable room.
Nothing much to write about. I'm going to leave this first post at this and look at the news - see if there is anything I can satire there.
Somewhere, Nick Griffin is still humming 'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas'.
So I do actually have a diary but I did it for about two months and then other more important things took its place. Maybe this blogging will become my new diary...who knows. Who cares.
I've always been cautious to start a blog. To me previously, it seemed like a very sad thing to do for people who thought that others actually cared about their radical views on life. However, I've mellowed in my old age (and I also realised I was writing a diary) so I decided to start this malarkey. It's not to write much of importance, just to get rid of the extra little thoughts and craziness that linger in my mind taking up valuable room.
Nothing much to write about. I'm going to leave this first post at this and look at the news - see if there is anything I can satire there.
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