A case of life, death and fecal matter.

Here are a nice selection of news stories that contain a mixture of all of the above.

Woman died after doctors failed to spot toilet brush in her buttocks

      Well this was just a hilarious news story. I mean it's intrensically sad that a good toilet brush was wasted in such a manner but what a way to go!!
       Cindy Corton, 35, died after a toilet brush got lodged in her arse. But wait, there's more! Not only did the doctor fail to spot a 1 foot white handled bristly instrument stuck up the woman's bottom, but this was a mistake repeated by other doctors over a 2 year period. The mind boggles! The poor woman then had to convince doctors of her peculiar malady (which was the result of a 'drunken incident') and get them to do an exploratory surgery. Doctor's were left red-cheeked when scans showed the mysterious cause of her ill health. Unfortunately, the woman died during the operation to remove the offending toilet cleaner...presumably from irresistible waves of pleasure.
       Many questions spring to mind concerning this story:

1. How did she shit?
2. Did she then need to use toilet roll?
3. Did it tickle?
4. Why on earth was the woman called 'Cindy'?

       What's sad is that there was no way that the news source was treating this as a serious story; you can tell by the title that this woman's demise was just one big joke. How did her husband feel? He simply remarked that "Cindy got a very poor service from the NHS. I'm sure she would have got better treatment in foreign countries".
        I'm certainly saddened by the prospect of the NHS providing poor service. In terms of getting better healthcare in a different country, I would have advised Peter (the husband) that he possibly have taken his wife to France to deal with their 'situation'. In terms of removing things from one's arse, there is no-one better or more experienced than a Frenchman.

Elvis Presley 'killed by chronic constipation', claims doctor


       Elvis Presley was killed by chronic constipation, his personal doctor has revealed.
       Well No Shit!! Literally. Doesn't everyone know that Elvis died on the crapper? That's what I heard...about 10 years ago. And now this doctor has the cheek to go and suggest that it is breaking news that his death was a result of his inability to defecate.
        Of course, this is really just all utter nonsense; Elvis didn't die. He simply got bored with this planet and moved to Mars with his alien buddies. What's worrying is that he left this legacy of rigor mortis brought on by colon trouble. Not the most glorious of ways to go out. No doubt he will be back in time to correct this flaw in history.
        For a detailed and accurate account of Elvis' whereabouts and current lifestyle, see Douglas Adams 'A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'.

Great-grandmother wins poo fine battle

       In case you missed this reality TV series, it was shit. Here is what happened.

       Officials had accused Pam Robson of failing to clear up after her dog - and fined her £50. Two environmental enforcement officers spotted the married former women's refuge volunteer worker cleaning up after her Labrador Derik as she took him for a walk. They insisted she had cleared up a different dog's mess and issued her with a fixed penalty notice for a dog fouling offence. Mrs Robson refused to pay and was told she faced a court summons, criminal record and a potential fine of £1,000. But council bosses had a change of heart after Mrs Robson saw a solicitor and spoke to her MP, and have said she will not be pursued for payment of the ticket. Problems started for the 60-year-old when she was walking the four-year-old rescue dog on an open field near St Michael's Church, Houghton-le-Spring, County Durham, in January.
       She said: ''It was a snowy day and I'd stopped to speak to my daughter on the mobile telephone as Derik ran off to do his business. 'As I followed after him to pick it up I saw a van stop by the side of the road and two men get out, one wearing a city council jerkin. They crossed the field to me and I thought they were going to ask for directions. Then one asked whether I realised my dog had just done its business and I said yes and showed him where I'd picked it up in a bag. He said it was the wrong mess and that he was going to issue me with a fine for £50. I was annoyed and upset. I picked up the other mess too and put it in the bag but he said I'd still be fined.''
       When Mrs Robson asked the environmental enforcement officer his name he refused to answer, identifying himself only as ''David 13''. She thought that would be an end to the matter, but later received a £50 fixed penalty notice threatening court action and a criminal record if she did not pay. ''I rang the council hoping common sense would prevail but was told they were quite satisfied I'd done wrong,'' the great grandmother, who is a grandmother-of-three and mother-of-three said. ''They told me I could pay in instalments but I said no way".

      This is just ridiculous!!! I scarcely have to ridicule the absurdity...but I will. Firstly, who calls their dog Derik? Forget calling the fucking council in, how about the RSPCA? More importantly, however, is the issue of just how pathetic the council is!
       On a side note, the article was obviously written in favour of the senile delinquent because it continually mentions her status as a family woman. It also shows that she was old and therefore it should be expected that she should make mistakes. When her dog took a dump, she picked it up like any noble citizen. Who CARES if she picked up the wrong dog shit? At least she picked something up.
       Yet it is the Gestapo that the council employ who are really to be scorned here. Who the fuck drives around in a van terrorising old women? Terrorising old women whose dogs take a crap? The old lady was obviously so frightened by them that she actually picked up the other dog shit as well and probably would have gone on to clear the whole snow-laden field if the shreds of her dignity hadn't prevented her. If you do argue that she should have received the fine for not maintaining her pet then you would at least say that no fine should have been given because she immediately cleared up the other dog mess just in case. And yet she stood to lose £1000 and a court summons by (rightly) refusing to pay the unjust £50 fine.
       Let me break it down for you. The dog goes to the toilet. The woman cleans it up. How the hell do two guys driving around in a van (presumably with the defiled remains of several women in the back) spot that the lady has picked up the wrong dog shit (if that was the case)??? That's a joke. The fact that they were then so unmerciful is even more damning. One must avoid exaggerating in such cases, but those men were definitely worse than Hitler.
       They were also desperately sad! That obviously goes without saying seeing as they were council employees but WHO, when asked their name, replies 'David 13'? What?? Where did that come from? If you're going to make up a name then at least be creative; I would suggest 'Holden McGroyne', 'Phil McCracken-Licket', 'Arthur Dick' or 'Nick Clegg'. No-one would be any the wiser as to who you are.
       What I love is that the council offered her the chance to pay the £50 in installments! Thankfully, our heroic senior refused, opting instead to go for the big payout.

World's oldest person dies aged 114

       There was nothing funny about this article. I was just quite impressed.

Wheelie bin man 'blocked mother'

       An innocent title you might say. Something to do with facebook or MSN etc. You could not be more wrong. You could try, but you would not succeed.

       A chef who killed his wife and hid her corpse for three years in a freezer repeatedly urged his mother-in-law not to ask to see her body, the Old Bailey has heard. Peter Wallner killed his wife Melanie with a cast-iron pan and kept her body in a freezer in the garden shed before moving her to a wheelie bin outside their house in Surrey last year. In a statement read to the court, Jeanne Oosthuizen, Melanie's mother, said Wallner called her in South Africa from the UK in August 2006 to break the news of her 30-year-old daughter's death. Ms Oosthuizen said Wallner claimed his wife had collapsed in the night and died en route to hospital. She said he told her not to visit the coroner to view the body as her face was "black and bruised" and "to try to remember her the way she was".

       I'm not seeing the problem as of yet. The article's title is certainly misleading. It does not concern a bin-man, but instead a chef. The exact person who would want to stay away from bins for fear of germs and contamination. And 'blocks mother'? Surely the much more pressing issue that the article should be covering is the brutal murder of a woman by her spouse.
       Not that this article reveals that. Instead, I was quite enamoured by the sensitivity and thoughtfulness of Chef Wallner. On the unfortunate passing of his wife, he called her mother to inform her of what had happened and then deliberately saved her from trauma by discouraging that she see her daughter's dead body but instead recall her by her fond memories. Awwwwwww. Wallner also killed a South-African and did so at minimal cost to the government by using his own tools of the trade and not wasting any expense on bringing about the murder. The man is in fact a hero.
        I can understand the freezer part, but the wheelie-bin? What the fuck did he think was gonna happen? The least he would have gotten away with was a fine for not using the proper bags for food waste in the disposing of her body.
       On a personal note, if I were to kill someone I would prefer to be a butcher - you could get away with the perfect crime! Knives and other implements are readily on hand (or frying pans), supplying the meat to hungry customers would be no problem (the meat we buy in the butcher's is pretty much indiscernible from the body part it used to comprise) and the bones could be ground up for mince or chopped up for dogs. Done. Don't get on a butcher's bad side.

Leprechaun-garbed holdup suspect among 2 shot dead

        If you laughed at the headline, don't worry, you're supposed to.

       Two bank robbery suspects, including one dressed in a green leprechaun costume, were shot dead after a St. Patrick's Day chase and shootout with police in Tennessee, authorities said.

       The luck of the Irish huh? I could go more in depth into the news story but I'm not going to as I really want to finish this entry.
       Who the fuck wears a leprechaun costume to a bank robbery? It's not like it was a fancy dress robbery. Whilst it may have been St. Patrick's Day (thus the get-up would be excusable in the circumstances), the only remaining explanation is that the robber was in fact a leprechaun. Which means that Tennessee law enforcement KILLED A LEPRECHAUN! The repercussions are going to be huge, both in Ireland and the fairytale underground. America better fucking watch it.
        The article concluded with this:

       Storment said police are still trying to identify the two men. The officers involved in the shooting are on administrative duty while the investigation continues.

       The case was reminiscent of the Dec. 22 robbery in Nashville when a man dressed in a Santa suit — including hat, beard and mustache — held up a SunTrust Bank, demanding money from the teller at gunpoint. No arrests have been made in that case.

        Isn't that brilliant? The police didn't think (as part of their uncovering the identity of the felon) to take off the false brown beard and wig. It also now appears that there is some truth to the fact that Santa doesn't exist...anymore.

Chinese boy, 6, saved from dropping to death by his ears!

       Well let's finish on a positive note. Normally one doesn't say that and then talk about China. Yet in this case, even the exclamation mark in the headline is heartwarming.

       A six-year-old Chinese boy was saved from dropping eight storeys by his ears, which prevented his head from completely sliding between window bars outside his home.


Well, that's a lucky escape. For the boy that is, not for the rest of the world. Still, the war against China continues...secretly.

So what's new?

Well hello there!!
That is incidentally one of the greetings I hate most...it's up there along with 'Howdy', 'Hello, I'm James Blunt' and anything German.

So what's new? It has been ages since I've been on but don't fret, I have ben perusing the news and filing away stories to put on here. Apart from that, I have just finished my exams and in order to celebrate, I've started drinking in the mornings to really give the day that kickstart it needs. In less then a week I'm off to see my beloved God-daughter and her family in New Zealand which I can't wait for! I'll be back in the movie reviewing business soon (there are lots of great films coming up) and hopefully also starting a Movie Review blog with a friend where we will discuss movies, actors and the anti-Christ that is Sarah Jessica Parker. My blogging should be frequent due to the time I will have in the summer holidays, so sit back, relax and prepare to be astounded at just how shit the media can get.

Man aged 33 is refused a bottle of wine in Tesco... because he had no ID


       In any other situation, Jason Wilde might have been flattered to be thought of as a decade younger. But when the 33-year-old was refused a bottle of rose wine at a Tesco near where he lives he felt humiliated and angry. An overzealous staff member refused to serve him when he was unable to prove his age because he did not have identification.
      Jason Wilde, 33, was refused a bottle of wine at Tesco because he was unable to prove his age. His 29-year-old fiancee, Lorraine Thomas, was not allowed to buy it either on the grounds that she may have been purchasing alcohol for a minor. And although his 29-year-old fiancee, Lorraine Thomas, stepped in with her driving licence, the supermarket refused to budge as she might be buying alcohol for a minor. 
       He ended up leaving the Bar Hill store in Cambridgeshire - which he has visited nearly every week for the past five years - with everything in his trolley except for the wine. 'When you're buying £140 worth of shopping, you're hardly likely to be underage,' said Mr Wilde, a sales manager from nearby Fenstanton. 'It wasn't like we were trying to buy six cans of dodgy cider. I am 15 years over the legal age. Things have got ridiculous.'
      
       How ironic life can be. A couple of months ago, Matthew, his wife and Sheena all went to Tescos together to do our first big shop for our new house. There happened to be special offers on booze that day so we purchased a good £100 worth of the proverbial liquor and headed to the check-out. Unfortunately, we happened to choose the one counter that was more than amptly filled by a bloated behemoth with bad skin and a real grudge against anyone skinnier than her (which is saying something if I was skinnier but I think it was Sheena's petiteness that was the last straw that broke the camel toe's back). Matthew and Sheena put most of our food through first whilst I held back some of my own stuff (including my Malibu) to purchase seperately. That was fine.
       THEN, the wonderful cashier (who we shall call Gertrude) asked for ID (which is fair enough due to the 'Looking Under 25 Rule') and Mattthew (who was paying) provided his. I then showed her mine to go with the alcohol I was buying. At this point, Gertrude turned to Sheena, who was standing innocently some distance away, kicking her heels and with her mind probably on the fun she would have with our dog Pepper when she got home. "What about her?", she bitched in a voice that did Jabba The Hutt justice. Sheena did not have ID and on ascertaining this, a cruel smile slowly spread over Gertrude's jowls before she pronounced that she would not be able to let them purchase their alcohol. Momentarily stunned by the tyranny that had just been unmasked in Tescos, Matthew and I both gasped "Why??". We were told exactly the same reasons as were given to Jason in the above article. Matthew was infuriated that because Sheena (who is 24 - a full 6 years over the required drinking age limit and fled her home nation of America to seek refuge from exactly this sort of discrimination on the age of purchasing drink) was with him and did not have ID, he could not buy any of the alcohol.
       At this point, I stepped in. In the meantime Matthew had told Sheena to go to the car, but was still told that he would not be able to buy the spirits. I said to Gertrude that I was a friend of the couple and had bumped into them at the store. I had my own alcohol and took Matthew and Sheena's with the intention of purchasing it myself. Alas, it was not to be. I was then refused my legal right to buy booze with ID because there was a very real danger that I would just sell it or provide it to underage drinkers (such as Sheena). Matthew asked to see Gertrude's superior at which point some gremlin (we'll call him Neil) popped up at the till. Neil was about 12 and had a face so pockmarked that in comparison, he made it look like the moon used moisturiser. On hearing the situation, Neil then repeated the exact same Tesco's manifesto. Matthew asked to speak to his superior but was then informed that there was no-one at this superstore.
       We left in disgust. Just to show how disgusted we were, we took our groceries. Most angry customers would have neglected purchasing their goods at Tesco and just gone somewhere else to teach the corporate giant a lesson, but that was just inconvenient. I have to say I sympathise totally with Jason and think that the attitude employed by Tesco is utterly fucking ridiculous. Everything in the above article is, for once, a true reflection of real life. Savour it whilst it lasts, who knows when the next decent news story will occur. I only wish we could have gone to the papers.